New life

As the advent season had just begun, my heart swelled with the joy of preparing for the coming King.  Jesse tree ornaments were made, an advent book was purchased and Dave and I were excited for the mornings we could read each day together over coffee and then hang them on the tree.  My advent season would indeed be that of waiting....longing....yearning, yet not in the typical Christmas season way.  In a week's time, my heart experienced the tug of so much yearning that I literally thought it would bust.  I waited for a phone call from my parents to hear if my grandpa went home to be with Jesus.  I longed to be with my grieving family before he actually passed.  I yearned for that phone call to be soon.

When my heart couldn't take it anymore, we surrendered the financial stress and bought a ticket to leave in 4 days...just me and the little one.  That advent-like rush of heart groaning and expectancy flooded my soul yet again.  I excitedly began waiting for the coming days to have my dad and siblings meet Nora for the first time.  I grievously longed  for Dave to come with me since he couldn't find a substitute for the next two weeks.  I anxiously yearned for God's provision on this long international flight by myself with a 3 month old.  

Now almost two weeks has gone by and my brain still fumbles how to process the all sustaining, grace-filled provision I was granted in that trip to America.  It was almost too good to be true that in the exact year of my grandfather's passing, I was mandated to return to the States to renew Nora's visa.  It seems unreal that in this time of death, my grandma was able to hold the new life of her first great grandchild.  It's a joy to soak in the fact that my siblings who thought they would meet Nora for the first time at 9 months got to see her at 3.  And then to think because of all of these reasons drawing us to the States at this time, we could celebrate our first Christmas with family in 4 years!

May Christ be acknowledged in His goodness toward his children.  Although death brought us together, new life gave us a reason to celebrate.  Grandpa's new resurrected life, Nora's baby life, and the glorious life of our Savior, born in a manger.  What a season of joy! 

Four generations!

"Out of the stump of David's family will grow a shoot." - Isaiah 11:1

If you're dynamite, I'm a match.

I just love all the special features on a camera.  The kind that just by holding down the button can take a multitude of shots in mere seconds.  It's in those moments that the raw genuine emotion is captured and you can see what you really look like.  You can't photo shop the kind of expression in the picture above...it's just there.  And the coolest thing about it?  It's with my Mom.

Us Chases have always been known for our energy.  It's either annoying like a bright light on an early morning or encouraging like a personal trainer when working out.  Either way, it's something that is deep within us and would make us phony if we tried not be to that way.  Whenever there is anything resembling a reunion, it's like a stick of dynamite with a match.  Yep...it freaks people out.  And we love it.

I can't believe the bright eyed, blonde headed beauty in this picture just turned 51 yesterday.  Still so fresh and full of zest even after life has made it's full circle on her.  Her daughter now has a daughter.  It's in a picture like this that I find myself sitting back and making plans for my own legacy I want to build.  I want to build memories that contain a picture like this of me and Nora...squeezing the guts out of each other from an overflow of too much pent up emotion.  So here is just the beginning of my "Hope list", and all I had to do was start by looking at that picture.

One day I hope that...

-Nora will learn to see people's hearts before their face, embracing the fact that all her friends look different.

- Nora will be pointed to Jesus every time she has a negative comment, complaining spirit, or ugly attitude.

-Nora will rest in the deep love that her parents have for each other.

-Nora will come to my closet to borrow clothes, get fashion advice, or try on all my necklaces.

-Nora will know that I trust her to follow Jesus wherever he leads her...even if it's across oceans and miles away.

- Nora will call me her friend more than just her mom.

-Nora will seek me out for advice and know that I genuinely care.

-Nora will be spurred on to love Jesus more by watching me live.

Mom, all of these "hopes" originated from what I already share with you.  These beautiful attributes that define our relationship have given me a firm foundation for my own journey with Nora.  

And yes it's cheesy, but the title of this post should be our motto...it's official ;)  Happy Birthday, beautiful!

I think just like a cow digests.

Did you know the odd/gross/interesting fact that cows have four stomachs?  Everything they eat gets chewed on for a while and then swallowed into their first stomach.  It then gets thrown back up and chewed on some more (who wouldn't want to chew on their own throw up?), only to be swallowed into the second stomach.  The cycle continues to repeat itself until the food has made its entire digestive journey.  As stomach churning (no pun intended) as this visual may be, there is nothing else that more accurately describes my thoughts lately.  I find myself figuratively "chewing" on an idea or realization and can't stop thinking about it all day.  Then I forget about it for a little while and go about my life, but then it comes back to my mind again looking a bit different then before.  I allow it to be forgotten again, and then lo and behold, it creeps back up needing to be "chewed" on some more.  

This act of revisiting, mulling over, pondering again and again must be what meditating looks like.  Not the yoga pose where you find your happy place kind of meditating.  Instead a still (digesting) pose allowing a theme of your heart that has been chasing you to nestle with you for bit longer.  Running and eating is never a good idea.     

Looking in my draft box of unpublished blog posts, it is then that I see them.  The cow stomachs just glaring back at me.  I witnessed my own digestion of thought as three posts lay unfinished without any complete thought.  What began with me observing how the seasons change, suddenly became processed through my mind over and over and over about topics from God's provision, to surrendering, to mercies new every morning, to sanctification, and the list goes on.  Each was like a different chamber, sectioned off to mull over the topic in a new way but from the same origin.   

I don't want to make this post extremely long, so I'll take you through the "stomach chambers" in other updates.  Just by noticing the seasons has directed my thoughts in so many ways, I'm curious if there is more He wants to show me.

Grandpa's advocate

Although years of dementia have stolen the words from his mouth, I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is an accumulated list desiring to bubble over from his heart.  A list of words that are instead portrayed through prolonged glances, interpreted by mustered smiles, or sent through grandchildren who can be the vessel of his sweet love.  I want to be that vessel today, Grandma.  The vessel carrying messages I know he would be speaking to you if he could.

If he could, he would tell you...

-You are love personified.  You believe all things, bear all things, hope all things, and endure all things.  Thank you for never giving up on me.

-You are an excellent wife and are far more precious than jewels.

-You do me good and not harm all the days of my life.  Even to the very end, you serve me the same.

-You love me like Jesus.  I can't really give you much in return, but you shower me with His unconditional love anyway.  

-May your name be praised in the city gates!  Your children and all who know you rise up and call you blessed my dear.

- Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.

-Your love for Jesus bubbles over to everyone who sees you.  Although I haven't been able to live at our own home for quite a while, just look at how many nursing staff you have been able to influence since I've been here!

-Thank you for all the pictures you post in my bedroom.  I love listening to you talk about our family.

-I love when you sing to me.  Even though my mouth doesn't seem to let you hear it, I'm singing in my heart with you every time.

-Your love never fails, it never gives up, and never runs out on me.  There are not enough words in the world to express my gratitude.

-You have taught others how to love by letting them watch you serve.

-I'm sorry if your heart is tired and weary, but know that He renews your strength and has developed such endurance, character, and hope in your heart through this.  

-Remember that this life is temporary.  Cling to your hope that He makes everything beautiful in His time.

-I love you, Elisa.

Put your mask on first.

Just the other day I was chatting with one of my pregnant friends about all things motherhood.  Among discussing the joys and challenges, I made a statement like "Just remember not to get too caught up in caring for your child that you forget to eat and take care of yourself."  At that moment, my mind quickly recounted the so familiar safety speech before every flight.  I added, "Kind of like on an airplane and they tell you to put your mask on first before you put on your child's.  You can't help them until you first help yourself."  

I think all new moms can understand the juggling act of taking care of yourself and your very dependent child all at the same time.  In our desire to be ALL there for them, we will sacrifice showers, meals, water intake, sleep (obviously), and fashion all in the name of being a "good mom".  Yet I sit and wrestle with the blatant truth that if I keep giving while never taking care of myself, I will have nothing left to offer.  And it hits me.

Put your mask on first.

Yet what I'm truly wrestling with is much deeper.  It goes beyond making sure I'm eating healthy and working out.  It surpasses the need for water intake and a warm hot shower. It's a wrestle within my heart.  A fight against what the world says to be true and what I know to be true. 

If there is any place in the Bible that the enemy uses to pore lies into the heart of women, it's Proverbs 31.  (Yep, that ancient serpent knows his scripture...he quoted it to Jesus when he was tempted, so be watchful)  I have at times allowed myself to let those words feel like a burdened list that I could never measure up to. In Christian circles, there is so much interpretation on this chunk of verses that it causes women to dissect each specific one into little goals they have for themselves of one day reaching. While making goals is admirable, what is listed in Proverbs 31 should be an overflow of something already going on inside of our hearts.  In my Bible right before verse 10, the sectioned title reads: 

The Woman Who Fears the Lord  (emphasis mine)

Not "The Qualities of a Super Woman" or "The Awesome Mom" or even "The Excellent Wife".  It's about what a woman can look like when she is first letting Someone else take care of her for a change.   As Jan Meyer so beautifully describes, "this beautiful proverb is written about a woman who is confident in something other than herself...her nobility of spirit flows from a conviction that she cannot take care of herself".  

So ladies (I'm speaking to myself here as well), let's sit at the feet of our Maker and realize that we cannot serve our families until we put our mask on first.  The kind of mask that requires us to breathe in His love and make us whole with His purpose.  There is never more of a way to bless your husband and children then when you can give them your own spiritual health.  It's not selfish to step away for a bit and recharge.  

Take care of yourself.  For when you seek first the kingdom and his righteousness, every thing else will be added to you.  So don't worry about the list of things you desire to offer your family. Just focus on one thing: your own wholeness.  

"You may not know this, but Christianity isn't meant to make you into an efficient, moral woman.  Are we meant to change as Christ stuns us with His forgiveness?  Absolutely.  But the transformation that comes, impacting who we are as women, does so naturally as an afterthought of God's love for us, surprising us as it shows up."

-Jan Meyers

Two Month Joys

"Slowing down is the fastest way to joy." - Ann Voskamp

I could not agree more to such a statement.  Why else have I felt such heart swelling joy in all of these long days of baby routine?  It's in the hours (yes hours) of watching my daughter, laying by her side, talking with her, and then repeating the cycle that I have found joy in the slowing down.  In the two months of her life, had I not had the privilege to bring my fast pace self down a notch, I wouldn't have noticed all of these precious "Nora joys".

• Hurricane-like swirl on the back of her head.  
• How she sticks her tongue out when she smiles.
• When she's shy, she closes her eyes.

• Finds comfort in her painted friends on her bedroom wall.
• When changing her diaper, she picks her legs up when wiping and sticks them straight when closing up shop...what a help!
• Hiccups that make her eyes as wide as saucers with every one.
• Blowing massive bubbles.
• Even throwing up...IN a bubble.  While it was gross, it was oddly fascinating...

• Sneezing and tooting simultaneously.  Gross, I know...but cute all the while!
• Holding her delicate little hands together.
• How she sleeps anywhere...the louder the better.
• Watches Dave walk out of a room ;).
• How she licks the floor during tummy time.

• Relaxed face in the bath, along with every other expression imaginable.
• Her yawns that have a little shout mid-way through.
• Screaming fits from scary sudden noise, yet all it takes is for me (across the room) to say "Nora, you're fine" and she is....comforting words have such an effect already!
• How she sucks on her bottom lip when sleeping.

• Her conducting a concert, directing traffic, praising the Lord arms ;).
• Arms over her head when sleeping.
• Mimicking us when we stick our tongues out at her (or the other way around).
• Giving her nose kisses, and then she responds with licking you.
• My love/hate relationship with the fuzz between her fingers and toes.
• The little finger that always creeps out of her sealed clothes.
• Her little toes that always make their way through crocheted blankets.
• Speaking of blankets, how fast it takes her to kick them off.  Her fastest record yet...2 seconds, no joke.

• Chillin' with the egg lady at the market while I quickly run upstairs for a few groceries.
• When her ears get folded and she has no idea.  It's crazy how that cartilage can bend!
• The victory of getting one massive slimy booger, and then hearing her big breath out of that nostril and sigh of relief.  And then usually a smile.
• Bicycle kicks with more "victories" ;).
• Big puffy sleepy "slit" eyes.
• Neck standing straight and tall and then bobbing her head like at a rock concert.

• Little hands hitting toys on the floor gym.  Every chime of those things makes me smile.
• Over-sized winter gear.  I feel like timing myself to see how fast I can dress and de-dress her...sheesh.

• Fitting into new clothes!  Only babies can enjoy "growing out" of clothes...I on the other hand am not enjoying "sizing out" of my clothes..ugh.

• Hearing her talk to herself through the monitor.

• Carting her around in the bassinet.  She is seriously the best companion.
• Relief after a stuffy nose suctioned, Q-tipped, and tissued.
• Her side smile that makes it look like she is winking out of her right eye.
• Furrowed eyebrows.
• Her dainty bracelet that finally fits her!

• Lifting one eyebrow...especially when working on a diaper.
• Looking at her to find she's already looking at me, and then she smiles and squeals when our eyes connect.
• Her love/hate relationship with her pacifier.
• Her salivating glance at us when we're eating dinner (if we are holding her close, she will follow the food from the plate to our mouths and back again!)
• The "oi oi oi" sound she makes when whining with her pacifier in her mouth.
• Her bottom lip that sticks out accompanied by her wide eyed glance of "Hello, don't you see me whining over here?!"

• Her sneezes that half way come out for like three times before the real one (it's so cute!)

• How she hums whenever I'm blow drying my hair or using the sewing machine.  Looks like she wants to be the loudest!
• The fact that it has only been two months and I get a lifetime of this!  (Well, at least until she's 18 and I'm forced to let go).

 I could keep going on, but I'm sure some of these will roll over for her 3 month update. May I continue to use His strength in doing small things with great love.

Adult Baby

Now passing the 4 year mark of living in a foreign country, I often find myself in humbling and vulnerable conversations.  Those conversations where I am somehow revealing to taxi drivers, market vendors or anyone else I come in contact with how long I have actually been here.  It is at that moment they get excited, talk faster, and use more verbiage than my low Chinese ability brain can handle.  "Oh boy...since I told them I've been here for 4 years, they are assuming my level of Chinese is this up to par" I think to myself.  Oh how I wish I could have just said I arrived last month and impress them with my exponential Chinese growth.

If and when they seem confused at why I really don't understand them, I tend to have a ready phrase like "Oh well I only have lessons for 2 hours a week" or "I know, I really just need to practice more."  Something....ANYTHING to not make me feel/look stupid.  I'm grabbing at any quick phrase I know!  To my English speaking friends here, I describe it like this: "After I was here for two years and new the basics to the language where I could get around 'enough', my language abilities just plateaued...and now here I am, still cruising at the level I was two years ago."

This morning I was reading in Hebrews and came across this verse:

"About this we have much to say, and it is hard to explain, since you have become dull of hearing.  For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God.  You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child.  But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil."

Hebrews 5:11-14

Oh how learning a language can so relate with this verse!  Just by my mere existence in China doesn't lend to awesome language abilities and "mature conversation" and neither does my existence as a believer lend to deep spiritual understanding.  By this time I ought to be speaking Chinese beyond the basics, but I am still unskilled and need to be given the proverbial "milk" when I have lessons.  I haven't trained with constant practice or pursued to learn more like I should have.  What I clearly grasp and understand about my language maturity causes me to examine my own heart in terms of spiritual maturity.

Should I "ought" to be somewhere else in my understanding of Him?

Have I plateaued at just being content with MILK when I could have the MEAT of His word?

Would God see me as a mature adult or an adult baby?

Am I trained by constant practice at distinguishing good from evil?

"Search me Oh God, and know my heart!  Try me and know my thoughts!" (Psalm 139:23)  May I strive after MORE of you and never plateau with just enough.

Good thing my milk is ENOUGH for her now...but not forever.