Be alert...not just armored.

Will your grace run out if I let you down?

Cause all I know is how to run.

Will you call me child when I tell you lies?

Cause all I know is how to cry.

I'm a sinner if it's not one thing it's another.

Caught up in words tangled in lies.

You are the Savior and you take brokenness aside,

and make it beautiful.

Beautiful 

(All Sons & Daughters)

I close my eyes as I hear these lyrics flow through the radio.  How much my heart needs these words to touch my soul, remind me of His grace, and keep moving forward.  In all of my day to day "living for Him", I tend to grow naive to the blatant truth that my soul wrestles against the schemes of the devil.  Someone whose only purpose is to kill, steal, and destroy.  An ancient creature here since creation and using the same tricks.  Just yesterday I found myself caught in the devil's age old schemes...killing my joy.  Caught up in words tangled in lies...  

Many times I feel that we...mere humans...enjoy bringing God down to a level that we can comprehend.  A one dimensional God that is all amazing at one thing.  Whether that one thing is that he is a God of love, or justice, or peace, or whatever...we cling to that ONE thing and forget that he is more.  So much more.  I myself have fallen down a similar way of thought when I am enjoying a particular characteristic.  Lately I have been soaking up how God is like a father, since being a parent causes me to see an instant parallel. Yet when choosing to stop in my tracks and open my mind, I look back and realize he was/is so much more:

 "Lover of my soul" through the summer and pregnancy, preparing my heart as I meditated on his word.  

"Friend" as I journaled and prayed over every worry and fear. 

 "Savior" reminding me in labor what he did on the cross for the greater joy.  

"Healer" in my recovery. 

"Fortress" when the enemy tried to steal my joy. 

 "Sustainer" when left alone to care for my new baby while Dave was at a conference. 

 "Creator and designer" when staring at Nora's little fingers and toes. 

 "Watchman" knowing He will never sleep or slumber while my baby rests. 

Now there is a reason I rabbit trailed a bit and shared my reflections of God's multi-faceted awesomeness...

Even when we are spending time with Him, basking in His glory, and reflecting in His goodness, we are NOT INVINCIBLE to the schemes of the evil one.

Basically, we're just really loaded up with armor.  

A lot of armor and no awareness that an enemy is coming doesn't really bode well for you.  It just makes you carry a facade of strength when in fact you are growing weaker by the moment. Without the ability to detect when the enemy is coming or if he is hiding in plain sight is a very real issue.

For the past couple of months I found myself in a "worshipful fog" enjoying each day with the Lord and excited to see what he would reveal to me in His word.  Yet it was almost as if I was a warrior just spending my days shining my armor, practicing to put it on, looking in the mirror with it, and smiling at how prepared I looked.  Then of course the enemy came with his lies, I got caught off guard, and forgot how to actually use my armor to defend myself!  Before I knew it, I got caught up in words spoken to me by my dear husband, and got tangled in lies from the evil one.  I instantly became tearful as I believed how the evil one twisted Dave's words and I found myself on a fast track to marital disunity.  Wow...being naive to spiritual battle is really not worth it.  

With a bit of time to myself, it was as if the Lord found me buried under all the "rubble" of the attack, dusted my feet off and said "Time to get back up again.  Yet this time use My strength that can demolish strongholds to take captive every thought and make it obedient to my Truth.  Do you REALLY think Dave meant that to be hurtful?  I think you and I both know the answer to that." 

In our joy of following Christ, let us not grow naive to the fact that we "do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12)

It's interesting that in the "Armor of God" passage, I failed to notice the verse just after..."to that end, keep alert with all perseverance".  Obviously missed that small and powerful detail.

Wake up, wake up, wake up

Wake up all you sleepers

Stand up, stand up

Stand up, all you dreamers

Hands up, hands up

Hands up all believers

Take up your cross, carry it on.

(All Sons & Daughters)

Perfected vs. Pampered

Bathed, fed, changed, swaddled, and nestled snug in her bed, Nora receives her goodnight kisses.  "Good night, Nora....we love you."  Dave turns on her little sheep that plays ocean sounds for her as I flick out the light.  We casually walk back to our room and turn on the monitor.  Feeling like proud parents since this little bedtime routine has been going on for a consistent 2 weeks, we give each other a smile.  And then it all begins.  There's a whimper and a cry.  In no time at all the crying escalates to a full blown scream in a matter of minutes.  Hmmmm.....

Trying not to get discouraged, we resume what we were doing.  "It's okay for kids to cry..." we tell ourselves.  Then our "casual" conversation turns silent for a bit and we both know what each other is thinking.

  "Should we go in there and get her?"

Already knowing our daughter's tendencies, we are fully aware that she just wants to be held.  And holding is good don't get me wrong, but during bedtime it can make for an interesting situation for future nights.  After that unspoken 5 minutes of screaming has passed, we go in to check on her.  We turn on the lamp, and stand by her crib.  Instant silence.  Instead of picking her up, we just tell her "You're alright.  It's time for bed and we want you to have a good night of sleep.  You're okay."  She doesn't seem to be convinced and begins to whimper again.   "Nora, you have food in  your belly, you smell all clean, and you are safe....now just go to sleep."  Somehow this quieted her enough for the night.  No more screams through the monitor...praise God.  

In this awakened tearful moment, I paused to notice a similar scene in my own life.  There was just something awfully familiar about how everything was playing out.  The sadness followed by tears....then screams...louder screams...the period of waiting...more crying...words of comfort...and then peace and....REST.  

This is a picture of me on my due date, September 8th.  My mom had just flown half way around the world the day before to stay for two weeks and I just could NOT wait for Nora to be born so my mom could spend time with her.  I may be smiling in this picture, but inside my heart was quite tumultuous.  For the next couple of days thereafter I wrestled with God in a way that looked similar to my daughter's tearful pleas.  As we proceeded to wait, every day that lingered forward made time with my mom slip away.  My sadness moved to "controlled" tears streaming down my face every now and then that I would quickly wipe away...ashamed that I wasn't trusting God's timing.  

In the continued waiting, my delicate tears that once lined the sides of my cheeks became more uncontrollable by the day.  In the insomnia that accompanied being 40 weeks pregnant, I found myself in the living room later that week at 3:00 am crying out like only a daughter would cry out to a parent that seems to be abandoning her.  Just as my daughter's screams proceeded to get louder, I felt as though my own anguish got stronger with each passing day.  

How could God not want my mom to spend the most time with her granddaughter?

How much longer am I going to have to wait?

THIS is why that bedtime scene felt so familiar.  I too found myself crying out to my Father just wanting him to come and answer my cries in the way I suggested to him.  In Nora's case, her cry was to be held.  Mine was to have my child asap.  Same thing...ages apart.  Humans have one thing in common no matter how old we are.  We think we know exactly what we need, when we need it, and we don't like to be uncomfortable.  And then to top it off, if there is anyone above us who has the power to pull off our request and they don't take our suggestion, we throw a fit.  

GUILTY AS CHARGED.

In my own wakeful moment then crying out to God at the peak of my unrest, I found myself flipping through both my Bible and journal for some sort of comfort.  My eyes fell on highlighted text I wrote just that past Sunday from a sermon titled "When God Doesn't Do What You Expect".  How fitting, huh?  It almost felt like a "such a time as this" moment because the date of these notes was September 8th...my due date.  I can't even begin to capture all of the beautiful truths embedded in that 40 minute lecture, but I'll note the main one that stood out to me.

God's love is not a pampering love, but a perfecting love.

He desires more for us to be sharpened, refined, tested and tried, then to be rescued from every trial.  While he has every ability to free us from earthly pain, how would we ever taste the joy of overcoming?  How would we ever know the pride in persevering?  How could we possibly grasp the fullness of being set free from bondage?  

Is it too hard of a statement to swallow that God doesn't hold us every time we cry?  What if we aren't given the "rescue" we desire and instead are left to be sustained only by his truths and his presence beside us?  Did it make us bad parents that we didn't run in and pick Nora up even after she had been crying?  Was it enough to stand beside her and comfort her with our words?  I'd say yes...it was enough.  For we as her parents saw beyond the tears and knew it would lead to better nights of sleep later on.  Likewise, God saw beyond my tears and knew it would lead to countless blessing.  An extra week to have a heart to heart with my mom.  Nora's birth on a date that my dad happened to be visiting my siblings in Virginia and didn't have to celebrate alone.  Two weeks for David to actually start his school year without substitutes.  And the inevitable...a faith milestone for me to grasp what it truly means to "wait on (and wrestle with) the Lord".  

In the wee hours of the morning as my red rimmed eyes skimmed through the Psalms, I came across one that could have stolen the words right out of my heart:

How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

...

BUT I have trusted in your steadfast love; 

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

because he has dealt bountifully with me. -Psalm 13

May we surrender our expectations, and ASK for his sanctifying, perfecting, refining kind of love.  A love that allows momentary pain to achieve a greater joy. A pain that He allowed his own Son to endure to achieve the greater joy of our salvation.  

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." - Romans 5:3-5

"So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day.  For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

She was worth the wait!

One month old and needs a day planner...

One month has gone by and it's been so fun looking through the pictures of all that we have been able to do with this little girl.  And to think that this is after slowly down our life dramatically!

Reading with Grandma Chase.

Going on a stroller ride.

Cheering on her friends running the 5K and 10K!

Meeting her new friend Elisha in the hospital born 6 days after her.

Posing for her passport picture.

Her official passport!  Can't believe this thing is going to last 5 years.

Lots of taxi rides to doctors appointments and the Consulate.

On the rooftop at a bonfire.  Too bad she can't enjoy marshmallows yet.

Chillin' with her baby friends Noah and Elisha.

Stroller rides to the market.

Photo shoot with Mom and Dad in the park.

Supporting the Philippines fundraiser while the team paints Carnival signs.

And then enjoying the carnival!

Posing with her pumpkin.

Being a model for mom's projects.

Along with Nora's adventures around Shenyang, here are some other one month updates:

• She hates waking up.  Just about cries every time until she realizes where she is at.
• Sleeps six hour stretches every night and needs to even be woken up to feed.  Thank you Nora!
• Stares at the picture frames on the walls.
• LOVE baths...HATES getting out.
• Kicks and flails her arms all the time.  Dave and I have endured a few punches to the face!
• Sounds like a little growling tiger when trying to "talk".
• Loves the pacifier.
• Falls asleep to the sound of crowds, music blaring, bumpy stroller rides or being held in the Ergo.
• Sleeps on her side.
• 9ish pounds
• 75th percentile in weight and 90th for height!

We'll keep making notes of her little developments...they are sure fun to watch.

Loosen your grip, for there's crud between your fingers.

Take a good hard look at the picture above.  You see a little girl tightening everything in her body with all the might she can muster.  Her neck is recoiled, her fingers are clenched, her legs are extended and her toes are squished together.  While this may be quite cute for a picture, it makes for a rather difficult bath experience.  You see, her natural reactions to the cold air (or other unknown discomforts) make it almost impossible to wash out her deepest, filthiest, and stinkiest areas.  The areas she maintains a tight grip on all day long.  The areas that accumulate fuzz and spit up.  You might never know this, but the neck, armpits, and between fingers and toes can be the smelliest places on a baby!  But for new parents during the first week, we were so quick to get her in and out without screaming that we failed to notice those "clenched" areas.  That was until we lifted that armpit one day and noticed the build up!  Gross!

If you look close, you can see the fuzzy build up that she's been hiding.

You see, I can't help but notice the parallel.  As believers we see the need to be cleansed from our sin, to be washed and refreshed in his Word.  We even realize the fact that it's God who is doing the cleansing, dependent on His truths to penetrate our hearts and wash us from within.  But very much like our precious daughter, once the scrub is getting deeper, more personal, a little more unnatural and invasive, we recoil.  We clench.  We tighten with all the muscles we have.  We're okay with being washed, but not like THAT.

Anybody else out there relate to me in that you like to have a tight grip on things?  Like to have control?  Like to be able to set expectations and see them come through JUST the way you planned it?  We often hear how controlling people need to be "freed" and let God make the plans for our life.  But have we ever thought that we sometimes control how God cleanses our hearts?  I know for myself, I have found that in my prayers of repentance I will ask to be washed of the general bad attitude, backward priorities, and need to spend more time with Him.

But what if He wants to scrub DEEPER?  

Do we have our proverbial clenched fists holding fast to a build up of deeper issues?  Typically, since we are so focused on the grip and control, we fail to even notice the "crud between our fingers".   

In my tight grip on having a natural birth, was I failing to see the build up of not trusting God?

In my clenched fist of  scheduled to-do lists, am I ignoring a build up of working in my own strength?

In my recoiled pose of keeping a clean home, am I unable to see the build up of perfectionism?

The list could go on as we subconsciously hold on to bitterness, pride, and other things repulsive to the heart of  God (hopefully not looking like lint and smelling like toe jam!)

It all boils down to how MUCH are we willing to surrender?  Are we willing to be cleansed without tension, allowing Him to pry apart the areas in our lives that we give a vice like grip?  Let's ask Him to clean us deep, seeking out the secret areas.  Let's let go of control, and I will guarantee you'll be surprised with what He'll find hiding.  Rest in His arms and let Him go deep.  It's worth it.

The look of true "cleansing surrender".

"Tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender" - All Sons and Daughters

My song and prayer when I'm asking Him to "go deeper"

(Jonah33 "Search Me, Know Me")

Search me know me, try me and see

Any worthless affection hidden in me.

All I'm asking for, is that you'd cleanse me Lord.

Create in me a heart that's clean.

Conquer the power of secret shame.

Come wash away the guilty stain of all my sin.

Clothe me in robes of righteousness.

Cover my nakedness with grace.

All of my life before you now, I humbly bring.

She Knows Me

You know when you finish a good book and the ending was so powerful that you are left closing it and just staring off in the distance for a while taking it all in, replaying the plot, the characters, and the connections in your head?  Yeah, that's what it's been like lately with God.  I end up closing my bible or journal in the same way and just daze out...head swarming...letting out big sighs, smiling at connections he has lead me to, and reopening to pages and verses I didn't notice before.  It's lately been so overwhelming that I hesitate a little bit even opening up my journal because I don't know if I'm ready to go on another page flipping, internet searching, concordance looking, journal writing adventure again.  They have all just been a bit intense for my liking...a good intense, but intense all the same.  To be honest, I never fully understood what the impact of his revelation would be like when I wholeheartedly spoke the words "I'm ready to hear from you."  I feel like I have spoken these words before, but maybe my heart didn't truly mean it then, or he wasn't ready to share with me yet.  But he's sharing, and boy this little feeble mind of mine has just about imploded.  He is all just SO good I can't seem to take it in fast enough.  Fire hydrant spray of goodness over here!

There are literally four or five other blog posts that I desire to share and post, but I'll have to just take it slow since my mind is exhausted with each reflection.  Yet for the sake of acknowledging his goodness even for myself, I will continue to write.

The shrill screams of our our daughter reach the corners of our small apartment and the parental deep breaths begin.  We both glance at each other, take a sloooow deep breath and exhale "Nora, calm down...breathe...we're right here."  The screaming slows down to a steady cry.  We take another deep breath in and this time exhale "What's wrong, baby girl? as we rub her back.  Her cry is now just a steady whimper.  I then pick her up against my chest and......a sigh with a few sniffles.  With wide eyes we both shoot looks at each other like a miracle just happened before our eyes.  Seriously?!?  That was it?  She just wanted to be held? And then Dave said the words that still linger in my head...She knows it's you.

She knows it's me. 

She knows my voice enough to transform her screaming to a cry.

She knows my touch enough to change her crying to whimpers.

She knows my smell enough to calm down to a few sniffles.  

She knows me enough to trust she can be still and feel peace in my presence.

Jesus, thank you letting me experience this undeserving gift!

But of course, usually in the moments that I am acknowledging his goodness He decides to use that as the perfect "teachable moment" for me.  It's almost as if my He is like "Oh yeah, you noticed my gift?  Well let's just sit there for a while...have you thought of it like this?"  

Many times it is easy for us to see God as our Refuge, Strength, Healer, and other awesome titles.  Yet how many times do we truly approach him as Father?  I feel that we all know that as one of his many names, but do we really treat him like that?  Do we metaphorically climb in his lap? Do we allow ourselves to be quieted by his soothing words?  Do we even feel that His presence is one that we can rest and feel comforted by?  

I know for myself, I enjoy wallowing in my own self-pity sometimes.  Whether we like it or not, sometimes there is a bit of comfort in listening to ourselves whimper and pout over things in this life.  While many of us ashamedly find joy in spreading our misery to everyone around, some of us actually desire to have our souls comforted.  So for what it's worth...let's all stop the pity party and climb in His lap.  He wants to turn your screaming to crying, your crying to whimpers, and your whimpers to deep breaths of peace.  Breathe in...breathe out...He's right there.  Breathe in...breathe out...He isn't leaving.  Recognize his voice for he wants to lead you in His truth, speak love over you and delight in you.  Know his touch, for he will carry you through the darkness.  Be familiar with His smell, for his presence surrounds you when you feel you're alone.  Remember His words so you can distinguish the lies around you.  Look up to Him and marvel at how amazing he is.  To feel his peace and rest in his arms, you need to KNOW him.  

 I want to know you, I want to hear your voice.

I want to know you more.

I want to touch you, I want to see your face.

I want to know you more.

"Gou le."

As a foreigner raising kids in China, there are bound to be many cultural moments that are cause for confusion, questions and...ahem...two cents given.  With babies in particular, there is an unspoken expectation to hear those precious two cents in regards to breastfeeding.  This is typically how the conversation plays out:

Chinese Woman: "So how do you feed your baby?"

Me:  "With my own milk."

Confused Chinese Woman: "And that's it?"

Me: "Yep"

Confused Chinese Woman with advice: "You know, that's not enough for her.  You should also give her formula and sugar water so she likes it more."

Me: "Thank you, but my milk is enough for her."

Confused and Persistent Chinese Woman with advice: "Is this your first baby?  Have you asked other moms?  Are you sure that she will grow to be big and strong with just your milk?"

Patience draining out of me....trying to suppress the judgmental thoughts of "How dare you ask if this is my first baby like I don't know anything?  You can only have one child anyway." 

Me (taking a deep breath and making my last words short and concise): It's enough. (In Chinese this phrase is said "Gou le" pronounced like Go luh).

In these moments that could easily turn into a sinful how-dare-they-impose-on-me attitude, I bite my tongue and ask for the plank to be taken out of my eye.  A huge prideful log to swallow...ugh.  As I ranted to God about just how many times I have to go around saying "Gou le, Gou le, GOU LE" to all these Chinese women, he stopped me dead in the middle of my grumbling.  

Lauren....do you know how many times I say GOU LE to you?  Except my words are not just enough, but I AM ENOUGH.  That conversation you frequently have with women here is one that I have had with you quite often.  How frequently do you doubt that I am enough for you?  

When you are anxious, do you rest in the truth that my peace is ENOUGH?

When you feel inadequate, do you believe my value and love for you is ENOUGH?

When people fail you, do you allow my legacy of faithfulness to be ENOUGH?

When you are weak, do you trust that my grace is sufficient for you and more than ENOUGH?

I am the bread of life, whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst (John 6:35).  I satisfy the longing soul and the hungry soul I fill with good things (Psalm 106:32).  My divine power has granted you all things that pertain to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).  

For centuries, my beloved children failed to trust that I am ENOUGH.  My dear child, do not take this path.  Even the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years failed to appreciate my provision when I sent them bread from Heaven.  I told them to take enough each day until they were full and satisfied and to not worry about taking any for the next day because I would provide, but they did not listen.  Yet I am a God of love and continued to provide them with my "mystery manna" that was sweet to their lips and filling to their stomachs for the next 40 years.  I have enough to offer you so you may be filled to overflowing with each passing day.  Enough to even add a sweet taste of joy as  your abundant life lingers on.

Trust me, sweet one.  Every time you are questioned if your milk is enough for your child, may you think of how many times I get questioned if my love is enough for my children.  Just like you cling to your own mothering truths, cling to Mine.  

So now my own short remarks of "Gou le" no longer have the same prideful joy when being uttered.  For all I can hear now is my Father saying them to me:  "Gou le, my child.  Gou le."

 

"My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips."

 (Psalm 63:5)

Praying in Secret with the Door Open

The other day I found myself in quite the petty situation.  I opened my prayer journal and to my surprise, I had reached the end.  No single page was left vacant.  Just when my heart was filled with a joyful readiness, eager to pen my thoughts, I found myself literally at a loss for what to do.  Numb to the point of no problem solving capabilities I thought,  "How will I ever do my quiet time now?  I always meet with Him through writing...how am I ever going to focus?"

Goodness gracious.  Okay, embarrassing...vulnerable... moment...over.

And then it hit me.  Well more like paused me.  My last page in my journal turned into a visual that would alter the way I looked at these moments with the Father from this moment on.  It was as if He was saying "Lauren, now it's time to meet with me in a new way."  

You see, ever since I was a young girl I have always been all about my environment.  My bedroom had to be decorated "just so" before I could leave for school.  In college, I had to have a study corner that was perfectly stocked with anything I could possibly need.  As a teacher, I took great pride in decorating my room to be an effective, exciting and organized learning environment for my students.  Environment, environment, environment...that's always been how I held control (and sanity).  Yet I think that same motto subconsciously made it's way into my time with Jesus.  I have unknowingly set the scene for my quiet time that one little thing off makes me hesitate to even begin. I love waking up early when it seems like the world is still asleep, coffee in hand, journal in the other, worship music in the background, and my man on the couch beside me reading doing the same thing.  

This day in particular, I had gotten all settled in and noticed I forgot to turn the music on (which was all the way across the room), Dave was on his computer, I accidentally let my coffee get cold, and my journal was all filled up!  My perfect environment was crumbling right before my eyes!

As I moaned and went to go grab a boring brown journal, my penned complaints instantly changed direction rather quickly.  I looked down to my little 7ish pound bundle of joy on my lap and realized my environment has transformed ever since she stepped/swam into this world.  I needed to realize that my environment  now is something I can't prepare and choose or have any expectations for.  Life from here on out will be inundated with poopy diapers, cries, questions, interruptions, or sibling arguments, and yes...most likely during my time with the Lord.  

I remember reading this one book a friend lent me called "52 Things Kids Need from their Mom".  The first chapter is called "Pray in Secret with the Door Open".  It's a call to not let the distraction of kids draw you away from meeting with God, but as a way to let them watch. It's beautiful and I thought I would share an excerpt from her book.  This is a prayer she (Angela Smith) felt the Lord was speaking to her:

This is how I want you to pray now.  Pray in secret - with the door open.  I want them to see you being with Me.  I want them to catch you turning to your Heavenly Father for guidance.  I want them to learn from you how to walk with Me.  No dramatic presentation needed.  No fanfare required.  Angela (insert your own name here), this is a new season with a new way.  And this new way for your heart pleases Me.

Come to Me messy.

Come when you're tired.

Let the children lie on top of you.

Let them interrupt you.

You do not have to be perfect...just come to Me and let them see.

May I grasp NOW, before the crazy really takes over, and see that He is everywhere...not just in my perfect little setting.  Break me Lord...