"Honey, I read your last blog post...it was pretty blunt. It didn't sound like you."
My stomach felt like it hit the floor. In only a matter of moments, my palms were sweaty, cheeks were rosy, and my brain was going a mile a minute. "Oh no! Do you think I offended people? I hope I didn't sound rude....do you think it was rude? I think I'm going to delete it, hopefully not too many people have read it yet. What will they think of me? Oh no, oh no, oh no.."
With every blog that I have written, I have felt an overwhelming peace to write it. Seeing that I have never been much of a blogger before, I feel it is quite a supernatural moment to sit down and actually have my thoughts come out in some sort of articulate fashion. Even after someone comments, I have to go back and reread it because I already forget what I wrote! The way I typed the last one titled "Joy Vacuums" was no different. I felt an overwhelming need to write about that topic, and had peace as the words flowed freely. Not until Dave commented did I look back and see for myself how this post was quite different than the others.
Embarrassingly, my mulling over has continued on even until this very post. There is just something daunting to me about being perceived in the wrong way, ruffle anyone's feathers too much, or seem judgmental. But in reality, I have to just swallow the truth pill...I care too much about what other people think of me.
Ouch. One pill I would like to ignore, and very hard to swallow.
Yet as I allowed my brain to occupy more space for anxiety, I was able to talk with my sister. She reminded me of a quote from my Grandma that encouraged me deep within my soul.
"Don't ever undo in doubt what you did in faith."
Looking back, there are many moments in my life that I did just that. Undid things in doubt that I began in faith.
-Prepared material to share with an unbelieving friend and then decided to keep it in my back pack not sure if I had the right words.
-Quit too early on a campus ministry because I was worried I didn't measure up.
-Broke up with Dave, connecting a lot of petty issues making me worry for the future.
-Retracted our initial application to China figuring this couldn't possibly be the life God planned for me.
The list could go on. And quite frankly, I don't even want to allow my mind to wander too far back into the past. I don't want to face the honest truth of all that I "undid" in my doubt that I could have done for Him. The whole "Coulda, woulda shoulda" chant can haunt us for days, huh?
So instead I choose to press on, straining toward what is ahead and forgetting what lies behind. May my pile of redacted actions be burnt up in a heap so bright that even through my cowardly pathetic moments He can be glorified.
