Goodness gracious. Okay, embarrassing...vulnerable... moment...over.
And then it hit me. Well more like paused me. My last page in my journal turned into a visual that would alter the way I looked at these moments with the Father from this moment on. It was as if He was saying "Lauren, now it's time to meet with me in a new way."
You see, ever since I was a young girl I have always been all about my environment. My bedroom had to be decorated "just so" before I could leave for school. In college, I had to have a study corner that was perfectly stocked with anything I could possibly need. As a teacher, I took great pride in decorating my room to be an effective, exciting and organized learning environment for my students. Environment, environment, environment...that's always been how I held control (and sanity). Yet I think that same motto subconsciously made it's way into my time with Jesus. I have unknowingly set the scene for my quiet time that one little thing off makes me hesitate to even begin. I love waking up early when it seems like the world is still asleep, coffee in hand, journal in the other, worship music in the background, and my man on the couch beside me reading doing the same thing.
This day in particular, I had gotten all settled in and noticed I forgot to turn the music on (which was all the way across the room), Dave was on his computer, I accidentally let my coffee get cold, and my journal was all filled up! My perfect environment was crumbling right before my eyes!
As I moaned and went to go grab a boring brown journal, my penned complaints instantly changed direction rather quickly. I looked down to my little 7ish pound bundle of joy on my lap and realized my environment has transformed ever since she stepped/swam into this world. I needed to realize that my environment now is something I can't prepare and choose or have any expectations for. Life from here on out will be inundated with poopy diapers, cries, questions, interruptions, or sibling arguments, and yes...most likely during my time with the Lord.
I remember reading this one book a friend lent me called "52 Things Kids Need from their Mom". The first chapter is called "Pray in Secret with the Door Open". It's a call to not let the distraction of kids draw you away from meeting with God, but as a way to let them watch. It's beautiful and I thought I would share an excerpt from her book. This is a prayer she (Angela Smith) felt the Lord was speaking to her:
This is how I want you to pray now. Pray in secret - with the door open. I want them to see you being with Me. I want them to catch you turning to your Heavenly Father for guidance. I want them to learn from you how to walk with Me. No dramatic presentation needed. No fanfare required. Angela (insert your own name here), this is a new season with a new way. And this new way for your heart pleases Me.
Come to Me messy.
Come when you're tired.
Let the children lie on top of you.
Let them interrupt you.
You do not have to be perfect...just come to Me and let them see.
May I grasp NOW, before the crazy really takes over, and see that He is everywhere...not just in my perfect little setting. Break me Lord...
