Dear Jesus,
Can you make something bad happen to me? Just a little something? I want a sad story. Everyone else has a lot of sad things to say, but I never have anything. I try really really hard to think of something bad, but I like my brothers and sisters, none of my grandparents have died, and my parents love each other. Please make something bad happen. Then maybe I'll have more friends. Amen.
The above prayer were my own uttered words ALL through childhood. Not kidding. What child in their right mind would pray for bad things to happen to them, you ask? One that constantly lives around joy vacuums. Those people/vacuums who at the smallest inkling of joy in someone else's life sucks it up until all that's left is someone feeling guilty for the life God has blessed them with. Sadly, I have been feeling this guilt ever since I was around 5 years old and started going to school. I was, and still try to be now, a half full kind of girl always trying to find joy in the small things. Yet as early as kindergarten I was taught to be guilty of joy, squelch happiness, and seek out negativity because complaining is the "in thing".
"Lauren, here's a life lesson for you. You will always be annoying to people. Period."
- My dearest Mother
I think she meant for it to be a pondering type statement because I never fully grasped it's full meaning until I continued venturing through life. Through high school, college, onto marriage, and now a mother, I have grasped this statement to its FULLEST extent. There is just something about the cards that I was dealt with in life that has not experienced much tragedy or suffering to a full extent. I have been given a heart and personality that naturally seeks the positive and tries to find the best in people. Yet I am honestly exhausted from feeling guilty and held captive to transforming my joy into "woes". Who knew someone could feel bondage to blessing?
Being a joy vacuum is a silent killer to unity in the church. It can so deceptively creep it's way into the language of our hearts without realizing the damage. From one who hears it often, these seemingly harmless words may sound a bit like this...
"Oh you're so lucky, you...."
"Well you would never understand, you're life is perfect."
"Oh you're happy now, but just wait until..."
"How come you ended up with such a great husband..."
"Well you're only happy because you're newlyweds...just wait."
"You don't know what it's like to work, you can eat whatever you want and never gain weight."
"I wish I could have at least half what you have."
"Oh my gosh...it's just not fair...you..."
If you find that these words frequently roll from your tongue, I hate to break it to you but you're a joy vacuum. Without realizing, you are sucking the life out from these people and literally prompting them to unearth the negative just so they can relate to you.
I understand that people who appear to be dumped with blessing shouldn't go around shouting about it from the rooftops, because then they are clearly annoying and just need some duct tape for their mouths. But just going about living in the fullness of what Jesus has given should NEVER be squelched.
Every time someone says something to me like "Oh you're so lucky, you..." I find myself instantly trying to think of something bad about my life to bring up and share just so they don't feel bad because of my joy. When people would vocalize jealousy over my fast metabolism, I quickly unearth all of my physical insecurities. If people share their envy that my husband and I love each other, I feel the need to share the things that I find annoying in him. In the times people tell me that I'm so lucky to have four years of teaching under my belt before I became a mother, I am quickly searching for yet another ungrateful, negative comment.
We are called to spur one another on in love. May we never make people feel guilty for blessing. May we in our sinful envy be careful not to steal joy and then replace it with bitterness. In the past, I have allowed these words to pierce my heart to the point of praying for tragedy...at the age of five.
May my sweet daughter live in the fullness of His love for her and taste the sweetness of His blessings and gifts with no guilt. May her precious heart cause people to search for joy. In her blessing, I hope and pray that she acts humbly and doesn't boast. But my greatest hope is that she may experience the joy of Christ with FREEDOM.
Even for myself...when I see beautiful things in the lives of others that I don't have, may I rejoice with them. May I take all bitterness, envy and jealousy to the feet of Jesus instead of unleashing it on my dear friends. May I vent with a purposeful destination of ending at a place of contentment.
It's okay to not feel sunshiny and happy all the days...trust me I don't either. But be watchful of becoming a joy vacuum. The one who is only here to kill, steal, and destroy will enjoy reeking havoc with you.
