Nearing the 6 month mark of pregnancy with my second baby girl, I remember my heart feeling out of sync and losing connection. I was busy taking care of my toddler and was grieving the fact that I didn’t have time to just sit and ponder life with this second little one. How am I ALREADY this huge? I only have one trimester left! Where has the time gone?! I barely have had a moment to prepare my mind for this new life!
I held my swollen belly and took a deep breath. Sometimes all it takes is the simple awareness that you don’t like where you’re headed and you can stop and go in the other direction right then and there.
I remember pleading with the Lord for a new story, a new journey. Something that brought Him glory in remembering His goodness with my first child, but expectant of how He would surely move again.
So I just kind of sat there flipping through the Psalms, and I landed on 143:5-6.
"I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land."
Selah
It was as if my very heart was written on paper.
And then that word at the end. Selah (pronounced: Say-luh).
I remember being told that in Hebrew it means to "pause and reflect" and was used in the Psalms as a way to stop and think on the verses before it. A steady rhythm of pausing and reflecting on His goodness. Is this not exactly what I trained my heart to do when pregnant with Nora, and then journeyed through for the first two years of motherhood?
This word, Selah, looked so much more beautiful in the context of my searching. In that very moment, it became her name. And then "Joy" became an almost immediate second thought, for those who truly "pause and reflect" on His goodness are given the gift of His joy.
With Nora, I had been encouraged to find scripture that could carry me through pregnancy (and labor/delivery, postpartum, and motherhood) to remind me that God was my refuge and strength. In this expectant time for Him to make Selah's journey different, I began looking through all of the Psalms for wherever else I could find the word Selah. To my surprise, almost all of the verses that ended with the command to "pause and reflect" were talking about God as a refuge, shield, fortress, and strong tower. This was no coincidence, and I savored this sweet treasure for what it was.
“I REMEMBER the days of old; I MEDITATE on all that you have done; I PONDER the work of your hands. I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah” (Ps. 143:5-6)
“But you, O Lord, are a SHIELD ABOUT ME, my glory, and the LIFTER OF MY HEAD. Selah” (Ps. 3:3)
“Lift up your heads, O gates! And be lifted up, O ancient doors, that the king of glory may come in. Who is this King of glory? The LORD, strong and mighty, the LORD, mighty in battle. Selah” (Ps. 24:7-8)
“God is our REFUGE and STRENGTH, a very PRESENT HELP in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, thought the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah” (Ps. 46:1-3)
“God is IN THE MIDST of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. Selah” (Ps. 46:5)
“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The Lord of hosts is WITH US; the God of Jacob is OUR FORTRESS. Selah” (Ps. 46:10-11)
“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I CALL TO YOU WHEN MY HEART IS FAINT. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my REFUGE, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the SHELTER OF YOUR WINGS. Selah” (Ps. 61:1-4)
“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN…Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah” (Ps. 62:5-6, 8)
“COME AND SEE what God has done: he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man. Selah” (Ps. 66:5)
“May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face to SHINE UPON US. Selah” (Ps. 67:1)
“Blessed be the Lord who daily bears us up; God is OUR SALVATION. Selah” (Ps. 68:19)
“I will REMEMBER the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will PONDER all your work, and MEDITATE on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? Selah” (Ps. 77:11-13)
“How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! MY SOUL LONGS, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. Selah” (Ps. 84:1-2)
“Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Blessed are those whose STRENGTH IS IN YOU…they go from STRENGTH TO STRENGTH; each one appears before God in Zion. Selah” (Ps. 84:4-5, 7)
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It's been 2 months now since Selah's birth. If I had been mulling over my thoughts regarding her birth story on an actual notepad, there would be a heaping pile of crumpled papers thrown on the floor. Either my brain was mush, I was rabbit trailing, or I reread it and wanted to throw up from it being ridiculously cliche. I love sharing my heart with other people, but had to hunker down and redefine who my real audience was. I was writing this for me. I was writing this for the purpose of looking back and claiming my story for HIS STORY.
“…that my glory may sing YOUR praise and not be silent.” (Psalm 30:12)
I think the main writer’s block came from the fact that merely writing the facts just didn’t cut it (baby wearing while bouncing on a ball didn’t make for great focus either). As a believer, the beauty of any blessing is to bring Him praise. To draw us to Him. To position our hearts toward His goodness. There’s usually a theme to seasons of life that flow in and out of the next, and I was hard pressed to figure out what connected my pregnancy, labor/delivery, postpartum, and motherhood.
I’m kind of laughing writing this because I know in my heart that God never promises clarity for anything. He doesn’t owe it to us. The sheer fact that I’m acting like I “finally arrived” at some grand realization is comical. Yet while I may never fully grasp the gift in these seasons, I’ll share a bit of what He let me unwrap.
I went back to the verse that started the whole journey:
"I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land."
Selah
I remember.
I meditate.
I ponder.
In it’s simplicity, the act of REMEMBERING saved my very soul. It’s no wonder God practically drilled it’s significance into the Israelites over and over.
“Keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen…” (Deut. 4:9)
“Take care, lest you forget the covenant of the Lord your God…” (Deut. 4:23)
“…then take care lest you forget the Lord, who brought you out of the land of Egypt…”(Deut. 6:10)
“…you shall not be afraid of them but you shall remember what the Lord your God did…” (Deut. 7:17)
“…and you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you…” (Deut. 8:2)
When we make the conscious decision to take care and keep our souls diligently fixed on Christ, we get to enjoy our story as His story. It’s easier to let what happens happen, for we can ultimately trust that it’s all for His glory and our good.
PREGNANCY
Remembering invites Him in and sets all things right.
Many times in life I sit wishing that I had known something years prior or at least wished I could go back and have a do-over. Do-over at my attitude, my ignorance, or passion. Yet in all that wishing, I am humbly grateful that He did fix my feet in the right direction before the birth of my first child.
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| Little Nora Grace |
I had been inspired to invite Him in to every moment. The sleepless pregnancy moments. The rushing to the hospital moments. The writhing in contraction pain moments. The can’t walk cause you’re recovering moments. The awake all night with a screaming child moments. ALL of it.
That was my only prayer, and He honored it. I think it is the most confident prayer anyone can pray. How could He not honor the wishes of someone ultimately wanting His glory proclaimed, His presence to surround them, and His peace to fill their heart? Isn’t that what He is always wanting to accomplish through us?
Like I mentioned before, sometimes all it takes is the simple awareness that you don’t like where you’re headed and you can stop and go in the other direction right then and there. Pregnancy is the perfect preparation season to find a Rock to cling to before all the real waves start crashing.
LABOR AND DELIVERY
Remembering casts out all fear.
When you’re pregnant with your first child, you can harbor a lot of anxiety in the unknown about the delivery day. When will I know when to go to the hospital? What will the pain feel like? Will my husband pass out when watching me in this much pain?
But then when you’re pregnant with your second child, you harbor anxiety in all the known things about that day. I hope it doesn’t take 24 hours to get this baby out like it did with my firstborn. I hope it doesn’t take 45 minutes to push like last time. Oh boy, I am beginning to remember this feeling….yikes.
While sometimes remembering can cause fear, remembering who God says He is casts out all fear. It’s all about finding the right thing to focus on.
Yet before I go any further, let’s just hammer out a few things…
I’m not a super human.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m actually a super chicken with pain and am the furthest thing from characterizing a “focused” person with a disciplined mental state. So let’s just get that straight. I promise I’m relatable to those with exaggerated wounds and ADD tendencies.
I’m not a super Christian.
No such thing. All of us are held together by an undeserved and unearned grace. I just acknowledge the glaring reality of what my life would look like without Him and it terrifies me. Period.
I don’t judge you.
I believe Christ can be honored and glorified in EVERY kind of birth story. C-section, epidural, at home, in the water, in the car on the way, whatever. Each one is unique and can honor Christ by making His glory known. One is not better than the other, just different. If I were to focus more on my method than on how Christ carried me through, I’d be missing the point altogether and would be depriving myself of building unity among other women.
Selah’s labor and delivery was pretty close to textbook expectations and characterized a swift moving blur. The most I can remember of it was actually the aftermath where I lay there, baby in arms, going “It’s over?! I can’t believe she’s here!” I’ve documented a super condensed version (below) for those interested, but I’ll go into more detail about those concentrating hours between 1:30 and 4:15am.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22nd:
11:00am - 39 week appointment and had the doctor strip my membranes.
4:00pm - Massive dance party with Nora to get things moving (“Shake it off”, “Move it, Move it”, “Happy Song”)
8:00pm - Finalized my playlist for the delivery room
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23rd:
6:00am - lost my mucus plug in the shower
8:00 - canceled plans due to horrible sciatic pain (probably from yesterday’s dance party)
12:00pm - contractions (lasting about 20 seconds but not painful or regular)
5:00 - contractions (now painful but still irregular)
7:00 - put Nora to bed and bounced on the exercise ball
8:00 - contractions (painful and about 10-15 minutes apart)
9:00 - “went to bed”
10:00 - water broke (doctor suggested we all go and sleep at the hospital)
10:30 - babysitter was already at our house to watch Nora through the night and we were on our way (no traffic, no gawkers, no nothing!)
11:00 - checked in but only 1 cm dilated
11:30 - contractions strengthening, but hearing predictions that I will “be a while”
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24th:
1:00am - wheeled up to the delivery room at 3cm and 3 minutes apart!
1:15 - plugged in my iPhone to their speakers and got the music going
1:30 - plunged into that glorious warm tub
…worship music…
…focus…
…hands squeezing…
…deep breathing…
REPEAT.
4:10am - I began pushing
4:15 - Selah Joy was here!
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| Little Selah Joy |
Did you blink? If you did, you might have missed her arrival all together! At least one of the nurses did since she thought she’d have PLENTY of time to go and take a nap. Nope. She missed it.
A lot of my labor and delivery story (for both girls) could pretty much be summed up into the picture of Peter walking on the water. Every second he was staring straight at Jesus, he was walking calmly above the powers of the raging ocean below him. Yet when looked down and took notice, even for a second, he began sinking.
Yes…I realize the irony in the water analogy.
The beauty in choosing to invite Jesus into your every moment is that He honors your choice to seek Him by meeting you in your method. For me, my method this time around was a playlist. That’s what I prepared, that’s what I had, so that’s where He was. Every time those monster waves of contractions arrived, I’d squeeze my eyes and focus on what was playing at the time.
I may have been swaying my head and humming like a crazy person, but it kept me above the waves. It cast out my fear.
You know in the movies when there is a particularly intense scene, they omit the dialogue and sound of the moment and only have you hearing music while still watching what is going on? This labor felt like that. The music was so beautifully loud that the intensity of the situation was almost in the background scene (but of course, not really). It was oddly surreal and empowering.
It was pretty much 2 1/2 hours of this:
CONTRACTION…
"Holy Spirit You are welcome here,
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.
Your glory God is what our hearts long for,
To be overcome by Your presence, Lord”
(Holy Spirit - Francessca Battistelli)
ANOTHER ONE…
"I need you
I love you
I want you
No one else can make me new
I will wait for only you,
no one else can pull me through
no one else will break the silence.”
(I need you, I love you, I want you - Tenth Avenue North)
AND ANOTHER ONE…
"As I wait, heart of God
Satisfy and sustain
As I hear, voice of God
Lead me on, be my guide
Be my guide
Above and below me
Before and behind me
In every eye that sees me
Christ be all around me
As I go, Hand of God
My defense, by my side
And as I rest, breath of God
Fall upon, bring me peace
Bring me peace”
(Christ Be All Around Me - All Sons & Daughters)
OH BOY…
"I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are”
(You Are For Me - Kari Jobe)
HERE IT COMES…
"These things unseen
Won't cripple me
I place my hope in You
This deep desire
This longing hour
I'm falling into You”
(The Longing - All Sons & Daughters)
OUCH…
"When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh, hear me
Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me”
(Part the Waters/I Need Thee - Selah)
HERE IT COMES AGAIN…
"In the quiet I hear your voice
Soothing my heart bringing peace and joy
In the midst of the unknown
In the hard times and the good
The one thing I desire is to seek your face
To gaze upon your splendor and behold your rhythms of grace
Oh help me trust in you
As you’ve told me to do”
(Be Still - Allyson Chase)
OH SWEET JESUS…
"Our deliverer, You are Savior
In Your presence we find our strength
Over everything, our redemption
God with us
You are God with us”
(God With Us - All Sons & Daughters)
AAAHHHHH…..
"My grace, My grace
My grace is sufficient
My grace is sufficient”
(My Grace is Sufficient - Shane & Shane)
I CAN’T…EVEN…
“I need You
Oh how I need You
Oh how I need You
Oh how I need You”
(Oh How I Need You - All Sons & Daughters)
HELP…
"You never change, You are the God you say you are;
When I'm afraid, you come and still my beating heart
You stay the same, when hope is just a distant thought
You take my pain and you lead me to the cross.”
(What Love is This - Kari Jobe)
And then even before the playlist hit it’s last song, that little beauty arrived. She was crying with newborn breath and I was crying from the sheer miracle of it all. First off, I just pushed a BABY from my body and I’m still alive to tell about it. But more than that, this mama was not overcome with anxiety in the process.
If you were one of my siblings, you would resonate with the second thing. They always used to joke when we were younger, “Ha…just wait until you have kids. You are SO not going to deal with that pain without freaking out.” Okay, maybe it was just my brother. But still. This is a legit supernatural miracle.
RECOVERY
Remembering brings Him glory.
Those first days in the hospital with your newborn are some of the sweetest moments. The weight of the world and it’s responsibilities are paused for a bit, and you are forced to sit still and just savor this beautiful bubble in time. While nurses and visitors may be coming in and out, there are still plenty of hours in those days to just sit and think.
I’m glad I actually used that hospital time to do just that - SIT and THINK. Now, those two words hardly ever go together. When I have time to sit, I can’t think. But when I have a lot on my mind, I can’t sit.
I remember those hospital days with my firstborn. My labor and delivery experience was much more intense, but I really didn’t want to use my recovery time as a way to sit and simmer in the drama of it all. If I had prepared to invite Christ in during my pregnancy, looked to Him throughout labor and delivery, why would I now start acting like I did everything in my own strength? Or why would I now start acting like it was the worst day of my life and I will never have kids again?
Recovery can be just the thing that shakes you into remembering the victories He has already accomplished through you.
I heard a friend once say that if God is a huge part of your story and you are retelling it to a friend, don’t take Him out of the details. Don’t find a creative way to omit certain parts for fear of looking too spiritual or weird. Surrender being put into a box and labeled for the sake of giving Him the credit where credit is due. People will always make opinions about you whether or not you tell your story completely true, so you might as well.
POSTPARTUM
Remembering brings hope.
As I mentioned before, pregnancy is the perfect preparation season to find a Rock to cling to before all the real waves start crashing.
When my parents left and Dave went back to work were when those real waves started crashing for me. Not only was I trying to figure out this whole “mom of two” thing, but Selah turned a corner in her demeanor and became a very…well…high maintenance baby. Let’s just put it that way. I felt like a new mom all over again and was flat out drowning. I realized quickly that trying to put on a facade was going to kill me and so I enjoyed the sweet surrender of being honest with my community. That alone kept my head above the water and I just focused on doing the next thing.
Thankfully it takes almost no effort to stick headphones in your ears, press play, and hold out your surrendered hands. That playlist that I had prepared for labor, God used as the rock I would set my feet upon to help me in those dark days. Through it, He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to Him. (Ps. 40:2b-3)
Preparing your heart to focus on Christ will never be a wasted effort. Sometimes you don’t end up using your stockpiled “preparation” in the moment you had initially planned for. That was kind of like all those verses I found during my pregnancy. I thought I’d use it for labor and delivery, but instead they ended up being just about the only truth I got my eyes on during the first weeks. It was accessible and easy to bounce on a ball with.
In hindsight, much of those dark days consisted of me wrestling with myself. I didn’t want to give up my former mothering habits, or my former idea of how a newborn should act. This baby was different, had different needs, and I needed to get over it. At around the 8 week marker, I still hadn’t really arrived anywhere yet, but I at least hopped on the train that was going somewhere.
MOTHER OF TWO
Remembering humbles you.
There’s nothing like marriage to humble you and reveal how prideful you are. And then there’s nothing like your first child to reveal how selfish you are. And then there’s nothing like your second child to reveal yet another layer of your pride and selfishness.
I’ve heard it said before that parents can easily give themselves too much credit and/or too much blame. So when my second child was NOTHING like my first and felt like a slap in the face at times, I needed to remember that:
I can’t credit myself for a calm baby, and I can’t blame myself for a fussy one.
I can’t credit myself for a child that sleeps through the night at such a young age, and I can’t blame myself for one that chooses to be up all night.
I can’t credit myself for a baby who can play by themselves, and I can’t blame myself for a baby that screams outside of my arms.
He created them just the way they are, and I need to stop thinking that their personalities revolve around me. It’s actually quite freeing when I finally get with the program. May I forever remember not to use my children as a way to build my personal ego or tear down my confidence.
So even though the purpose of this post was for personal documentation, I am sharing this for all of you who have journeyed with me through these seasons. If you made it this far in reading this ridiculously long post, you were most likely one of those beautiful people that encouraged me along the way. Love to you all!
While my life right now doesn't lend itself the best attention span or time for blogging, I'm thankful for outlets like Instagram that help me capture and document my heart in mere minutes. Minutes are about all I have these days ;).
