I've officially passed the 6 week mark.
The mark they tell you that recovery from delivering a baby is normally over and you can start resuming life at a faster pace. I have recognized the beautiful healing process that has redeemed me from this prolonged horizontal pose. It was beautiful in the way that it demanded a posture of patience, rest, and being still to fully recover. Any rushing the process would only set me back and keep the wounds fresh and vulnerable. Yet in the midst of all this renewing, there is something that lingers...
...the scars.
It's something expected after pregnancy, and oddly it is something that I am quite content with. Those squiggly little lines that now seem to dance all over my belly fill my heart with an unusual joy. A joy that finds it's existence through hard work. A feeling of empowerment like "Look, I have proof that I've made it through something significant". Whether or not the scars on our bodies are from something significantly beneficial , it is still something our bodes (and most likely your mind) had to overcome in some way.
Before my stomach was graced with the evidence of pregnancy, I also went through a period of time that accumulated scars from this tainted world. Ever since moving to China, something changed with my body. Call it the pollution, the water, or anxiety, but for three out of the four years my skin was under serious attack. I had acne like I've never experienced as a teenager. The kind that would go so deep in my skin that no amount of make up could hide the bumps burrowed deep. Mirrors were my enemy. Pillows were soaked with tears most nights. Hair was subconsciously pulled in front of my face when talking close to people. I have never experienced such an insecure time in my life. Of course I was able to maintain a level of outward joy when out in a crowd for I didn't want this issue to take over my life...but I was only lying to myself. It had.
To make matters worse, I never listened to any of the advice that said not to pick. And now I see why. You create a wound, you leave a scar. You can only imagine how many wounds were healed then reopened in that three years of aggravation and determination to make them disappear. Wounds that kept reappearing out of the bondage of impatience and ignorance. Finally, I just let GO. At the end of last year I decided to stop reopening my wounds and just let them be...willing to wait it out no matter how much ugliness accumulated. And it was then I began to finally taste freedom. I found something that finally worked, and slowly wound after wound was healed. But to quote myself from above, " In the midst of all this renewing, there [was] something that linger[ed]...
...the scars.
At first I didn't even notice them because I was just so thrilled the wounds were healed. Every morning applying my make up seemed to be like a worship service of praise at the decreased amount of concealer. The chains had been lifted, joy was reborn, and freedom was mine! With each passing day, I kept on saying things to Dave like, "Did you see how fast it took me to do my make-up?" or "Look...just LOOK at my face! Do you REMEMBER what it was like?" And that's why I'm thankful for those scars....it's all about the remembering.
Jesus promises to heal our wounds, but he doesn't do much with our scars. He leaves them as a reminder of His grace. Sometimes our scars are visible like stretch marks, stitches from surgery, or pockets of acne. Others are scars of emotion, embedded deep where no one will ever see or maybe even know about. But the one thing beautiful is that all of those scars are evidence that a wound has been healed. And it means you allowed it to be.
The Psalmist mentions how the Lord "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). In order for Him to do that, there needs to be that posture of patience, rest, and being still to fully recover. And once you do, it's a beautiful thing...but the scar will linger on. Yet don't grow saddened about that scar. You have proof that there was a victory and a moving forward...a redirection and rebirth.
And just think. The One who heals our wounds had wounds of His own. Wounds that still to this day leave a scar on His hands and feet. Such beautiful scars are left as a reminder to us of his desire to reconcile EVERYTHING and make it beautiful.
If you were needing this today, either go to this link and listen to this song, or read the lyrics. They were an encouragement to my soul: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB0Yh_HS19I
Heal the Wound - Point of Grace
I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place that You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering
