Ugh. I
just finished the most intriguing, heartbreaking, confusing, aggravating, and
exhausting memoir I've every laid my eyes on. It's right up there with
Frank McCourt's Angela's Ashes as
Jeannette Walls takes you on the journey through her intriguingly dysfunctional
childhood.
As a new
mother, I was warned when borrowing this book that at some points I would want
to throw it across the room. And yes...this dear friend was right.
Oddly enough, what made my heart burst the most was
not the moments of neglect, the father's drunken rages, or even how many times
their family just picked up and moved for the heck of it. Out of all the
deep sadness, what I couldn't seem to fathom was how many times something that
could rescue them out of poverty, starvation, or eviction was simply wasted....over,
and over and over again.
A 2 carat
diamond ring that could have put food on the table was hoarded away so that the
mother could just sit and marvel at it's beauty.
An entire
paycheck spent on beer and cigarettes while the children were left home eating
butter, the only thing left in the fridge.
A million
dollar property just sitting there unused or sold while the owners wasted away
in a shack with no indoor plumbing.
Even at the
end of the book when the children grew up and had flourishing lives of their
own, the parents chose to remain in the same neighborhood but homeless.
It was in these moments that I
wanted to throw the book and scream out "LOOK WHAT YOU COULD HAVE, AND
YOU'RE WASTING IT!"
(Deep
breath)...Lauren...take the plank out of your eye.
Right. These were not
fictional characters that I was judging. This was a memoir for crying out
loud. A real story. These were real people. When desiring to
seek holiness, condescending thoughts like this will get you nowhere.
If God were
in a sense reading my life story would he want to throw the book down and yell
out "LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE GIVEN YOU, AND YOU'RE WASTING IT!"?
Well, of course I can't picture him yelling at me like that, but it's
worth a mental picture to wake me up. Over and over and over again I
forget that I was set free to live
free. How many times am I just like Jeannette's parents choosing to
live in poverty while they have a million dollar property to sell?
I am EXACTLY
like them when I refuse Christ's grace and instead choose to struggle with
the same sin issues over and over and over again.
I am EXACTLY
like them when I even entertain the thought that my life before Christ's saving
power was better than striving for holiness.
I am EXACTLY
like them when I am offered a life free from guilt, shame or fear, and
willingly choose to
carry the baggage of anxiety instead.
I am EXACTLY
like them when Christ offers me supernatural peace and I hoard it away for
another day instead of resting in it right
then.
Even though
these parents seemed so dysfunctional, selfish, and crazy as I was reading, I
am now so humbled that Christ looks at me the same. I am just as
dysfunctional, selfish and crazy when I don't live in the FULLNESS of Christ.
Thank goodness that he doesn't just "throw the book down" as he
watches me squander away the goodness He offers me daily, and instead showers
me with MORE grace...over, and over, and over again.
For freedom
Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke
of slavery.
-Galatians
5:1
