Toxic air. It's surrounding me... I'm caged by it...drowning in it. When I'm inside, I battle pounding migraines from the mold that has spiraled out of control. Something we tried to fix before, but has now come to a status that demands our eviction asap. When I'm outside, I battle the unknown harm from wading through hazardous levels of pollution that masks as innocent fog.
Nowhere to go and as a stay at home mom, I feel trapped.
Our little family of three was out last night for two hours walking through the maze of apartment complexes in search of phone numbers in the windows. A number meant a place for rent...a place to breathe...a place of rest for my weary mom heart. In my "seeking for refuge" delusion, each number made my heart skip a beat like an airplane to someone alone on an island.
Right now we wait. And in this waiting for an affordable price, realistic location and mediocre standard of cleanliness, I sit. For there really is nowhere to go.
So when I feel like my mental state sinks from the limited options of either moldy spores or hazardous pollution, I will recall that I AM IN FACT SINKING. As David Crowder would say:
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
His love is just as overwhelming as my inability to breathe.
His grace saturates me more than the unseen spores.
For when there really is no where to go, you are forced to sit. And a warrior who sits is able to take advantage of his shield. Thou Oh Lord are a shield about me, you're my glory and the lifter of my head.
So my head is lifted. I long for His glory. He is my shield, and is above all, in all, through all. May my fears fall at His feet for he sees me as a "better mom" when I surrender what I cannot control than justify my worry and anxiety with a phrase of "looking out for my daughter".
I am stomping on the enemy's puny little head today when I say:
I AM looking out for my family when I let go of my justified anxiety and trust God with what I cannot see.
God is glorified when he leads us through the toxic air of this sinful world. For he makes all things beautiful in His time.
So if you're reading this and all you're thinking is "Man, they need to get out of there" or "Do they realize what this could do to their bodies?", just know that we're already consumed with those realities. Instead of alerting us to the technical issues that only bring more fear and less dependency on God, please just pray.
Pray that God shows up soon to show off His glory.
