I think just like a cow digests.

Did you know the odd/gross/interesting fact that cows have four stomachs?  Everything they eat gets chewed on for a while and then swallowed into their first stomach.  It then gets thrown back up and chewed on some more (who wouldn't want to chew on their own throw up?), only to be swallowed into the second stomach.  The cycle continues to repeat itself until the food has made its entire digestive journey.  As stomach churning (no pun intended) as this visual may be, there is nothing else that more accurately describes my thoughts lately.  I find myself figuratively "chewing" on an idea or realization and can't stop thinking about it all day.  Then I forget about it for a little while and go about my life, but then it comes back to my mind again looking a bit different then before.  I allow it to be forgotten again, and then lo and behold, it creeps back up needing to be "chewed" on some more.  

This act of revisiting, mulling over, pondering again and again must be what meditating looks like.  Not the yoga pose where you find your happy place kind of meditating.  Instead a still (digesting) pose allowing a theme of your heart that has been chasing you to nestle with you for bit longer.  Running and eating is never a good idea.     

Looking in my draft box of unpublished blog posts, it is then that I see them.  The cow stomachs just glaring back at me.  I witnessed my own digestion of thought as three posts lay unfinished without any complete thought.  What began with me observing how the seasons change, suddenly became processed through my mind over and over and over about topics from God's provision, to surrendering, to mercies new every morning, to sanctification, and the list goes on.  Each was like a different chamber, sectioned off to mull over the topic in a new way but from the same origin.   

I don't want to make this post extremely long, so I'll take you through the "stomach chambers" in other updates.  Just by noticing the seasons has directed my thoughts in so many ways, I'm curious if there is more He wants to show me.

Grandpa's advocate

Although years of dementia have stolen the words from his mouth, I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is an accumulated list desiring to bubble over from his heart.  A list of words that are instead portrayed through prolonged glances, interpreted by mustered smiles, or sent through grandchildren who can be the vessel of his sweet love.  I want to be that vessel today, Grandma.  The vessel carrying messages I know he would be speaking to you if he could.

If he could, he would tell you...

-You are love personified.  You believe all things, bear all things, hope all things, and endure all things.  Thank you for never giving up on me.

-You are an excellent wife and are far more precious than jewels.

-You do me good and not harm all the days of my life.  Even to the very end, you serve me the same.

-You love me like Jesus.  I can't really give you much in return, but you shower me with His unconditional love anyway.  

-May your name be praised in the city gates!  Your children and all who know you rise up and call you blessed my dear.

- Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.

-Your love for Jesus bubbles over to everyone who sees you.  Although I haven't been able to live at our own home for quite a while, just look at how many nursing staff you have been able to influence since I've been here!

-Thank you for all the pictures you post in my bedroom.  I love listening to you talk about our family.

-I love when you sing to me.  Even though my mouth doesn't seem to let you hear it, I'm singing in my heart with you every time.

-Your love never fails, it never gives up, and never runs out on me.  There are not enough words in the world to express my gratitude.

-You have taught others how to love by letting them watch you serve.

-I'm sorry if your heart is tired and weary, but know that He renews your strength and has developed such endurance, character, and hope in your heart through this.  

-Remember that this life is temporary.  Cling to your hope that He makes everything beautiful in His time.

-I love you, Elisa.

Put your mask on first.

Just the other day I was chatting with one of my pregnant friends about all things motherhood.  Among discussing the joys and challenges, I made a statement like "Just remember not to get too caught up in caring for your child that you forget to eat and take care of yourself."  At that moment, my mind quickly recounted the so familiar safety speech before every flight.  I added, "Kind of like on an airplane and they tell you to put your mask on first before you put on your child's.  You can't help them until you first help yourself."  

I think all new moms can understand the juggling act of taking care of yourself and your very dependent child all at the same time.  In our desire to be ALL there for them, we will sacrifice showers, meals, water intake, sleep (obviously), and fashion all in the name of being a "good mom".  Yet I sit and wrestle with the blatant truth that if I keep giving while never taking care of myself, I will have nothing left to offer.  And it hits me.

Put your mask on first.

Yet what I'm truly wrestling with is much deeper.  It goes beyond making sure I'm eating healthy and working out.  It surpasses the need for water intake and a warm hot shower. It's a wrestle within my heart.  A fight against what the world says to be true and what I know to be true. 

If there is any place in the Bible that the enemy uses to pore lies into the heart of women, it's Proverbs 31.  (Yep, that ancient serpent knows his scripture...he quoted it to Jesus when he was tempted, so be watchful)  I have at times allowed myself to let those words feel like a burdened list that I could never measure up to. In Christian circles, there is so much interpretation on this chunk of verses that it causes women to dissect each specific one into little goals they have for themselves of one day reaching. While making goals is admirable, what is listed in Proverbs 31 should be an overflow of something already going on inside of our hearts.  In my Bible right before verse 10, the sectioned title reads: 

The Woman Who Fears the Lord  (emphasis mine)

Not "The Qualities of a Super Woman" or "The Awesome Mom" or even "The Excellent Wife".  It's about what a woman can look like when she is first letting Someone else take care of her for a change.   As Jan Meyer so beautifully describes, "this beautiful proverb is written about a woman who is confident in something other than herself...her nobility of spirit flows from a conviction that she cannot take care of herself".  

So ladies (I'm speaking to myself here as well), let's sit at the feet of our Maker and realize that we cannot serve our families until we put our mask on first.  The kind of mask that requires us to breathe in His love and make us whole with His purpose.  There is never more of a way to bless your husband and children then when you can give them your own spiritual health.  It's not selfish to step away for a bit and recharge.  

Take care of yourself.  For when you seek first the kingdom and his righteousness, every thing else will be added to you.  So don't worry about the list of things you desire to offer your family. Just focus on one thing: your own wholeness.  

"You may not know this, but Christianity isn't meant to make you into an efficient, moral woman.  Are we meant to change as Christ stuns us with His forgiveness?  Absolutely.  But the transformation that comes, impacting who we are as women, does so naturally as an afterthought of God's love for us, surprising us as it shows up."

-Jan Meyers

Two Month Joys

"Slowing down is the fastest way to joy." - Ann Voskamp

I could not agree more to such a statement.  Why else have I felt such heart swelling joy in all of these long days of baby routine?  It's in the hours (yes hours) of watching my daughter, laying by her side, talking with her, and then repeating the cycle that I have found joy in the slowing down.  In the two months of her life, had I not had the privilege to bring my fast pace self down a notch, I wouldn't have noticed all of these precious "Nora joys".

• Hurricane-like swirl on the back of her head.  
• How she sticks her tongue out when she smiles.
• When she's shy, she closes her eyes.

• Finds comfort in her painted friends on her bedroom wall.
• When changing her diaper, she picks her legs up when wiping and sticks them straight when closing up shop...what a help!
• Hiccups that make her eyes as wide as saucers with every one.
• Blowing massive bubbles.
• Even throwing up...IN a bubble.  While it was gross, it was oddly fascinating...

• Sneezing and tooting simultaneously.  Gross, I know...but cute all the while!
• Holding her delicate little hands together.
• How she sleeps anywhere...the louder the better.
• Watches Dave walk out of a room ;).
• How she licks the floor during tummy time.

• Relaxed face in the bath, along with every other expression imaginable.
• Her yawns that have a little shout mid-way through.
• Screaming fits from scary sudden noise, yet all it takes is for me (across the room) to say "Nora, you're fine" and she is....comforting words have such an effect already!
• How she sucks on her bottom lip when sleeping.

• Her conducting a concert, directing traffic, praising the Lord arms ;).
• Arms over her head when sleeping.
• Mimicking us when we stick our tongues out at her (or the other way around).
• Giving her nose kisses, and then she responds with licking you.
• My love/hate relationship with the fuzz between her fingers and toes.
• The little finger that always creeps out of her sealed clothes.
• Her little toes that always make their way through crocheted blankets.
• Speaking of blankets, how fast it takes her to kick them off.  Her fastest record yet...2 seconds, no joke.

• Chillin' with the egg lady at the market while I quickly run upstairs for a few groceries.
• When her ears get folded and she has no idea.  It's crazy how that cartilage can bend!
• The victory of getting one massive slimy booger, and then hearing her big breath out of that nostril and sigh of relief.  And then usually a smile.
• Bicycle kicks with more "victories" ;).
• Big puffy sleepy "slit" eyes.
• Neck standing straight and tall and then bobbing her head like at a rock concert.

• Little hands hitting toys on the floor gym.  Every chime of those things makes me smile.
• Over-sized winter gear.  I feel like timing myself to see how fast I can dress and de-dress her...sheesh.

• Fitting into new clothes!  Only babies can enjoy "growing out" of clothes...I on the other hand am not enjoying "sizing out" of my clothes..ugh.

• Hearing her talk to herself through the monitor.

• Carting her around in the bassinet.  She is seriously the best companion.
• Relief after a stuffy nose suctioned, Q-tipped, and tissued.
• Her side smile that makes it look like she is winking out of her right eye.
• Furrowed eyebrows.
• Her dainty bracelet that finally fits her!

• Lifting one eyebrow...especially when working on a diaper.
• Looking at her to find she's already looking at me, and then she smiles and squeals when our eyes connect.
• Her love/hate relationship with her pacifier.
• Her salivating glance at us when we're eating dinner (if we are holding her close, she will follow the food from the plate to our mouths and back again!)
• The "oi oi oi" sound she makes when whining with her pacifier in her mouth.
• Her bottom lip that sticks out accompanied by her wide eyed glance of "Hello, don't you see me whining over here?!"

• Her sneezes that half way come out for like three times before the real one (it's so cute!)

• How she hums whenever I'm blow drying my hair or using the sewing machine.  Looks like she wants to be the loudest!
• The fact that it has only been two months and I get a lifetime of this!  (Well, at least until she's 18 and I'm forced to let go).

 I could keep going on, but I'm sure some of these will roll over for her 3 month update. May I continue to use His strength in doing small things with great love.

Adult Baby

Now passing the 4 year mark of living in a foreign country, I often find myself in humbling and vulnerable conversations.  Those conversations where I am somehow revealing to taxi drivers, market vendors or anyone else I come in contact with how long I have actually been here.  It is at that moment they get excited, talk faster, and use more verbiage than my low Chinese ability brain can handle.  "Oh boy...since I told them I've been here for 4 years, they are assuming my level of Chinese is this up to par" I think to myself.  Oh how I wish I could have just said I arrived last month and impress them with my exponential Chinese growth.

If and when they seem confused at why I really don't understand them, I tend to have a ready phrase like "Oh well I only have lessons for 2 hours a week" or "I know, I really just need to practice more."  Something....ANYTHING to not make me feel/look stupid.  I'm grabbing at any quick phrase I know!  To my English speaking friends here, I describe it like this: "After I was here for two years and new the basics to the language where I could get around 'enough', my language abilities just plateaued...and now here I am, still cruising at the level I was two years ago."

This morning I was reading in Hebrews and came across this verse:

"About this we have much to say, and it is hard to explain, since you have become dull of hearing.  For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God.  You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child.  But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil."

Hebrews 5:11-14

Oh how learning a language can so relate with this verse!  Just by my mere existence in China doesn't lend to awesome language abilities and "mature conversation" and neither does my existence as a believer lend to deep spiritual understanding.  By this time I ought to be speaking Chinese beyond the basics, but I am still unskilled and need to be given the proverbial "milk" when I have lessons.  I haven't trained with constant practice or pursued to learn more like I should have.  What I clearly grasp and understand about my language maturity causes me to examine my own heart in terms of spiritual maturity.

Should I "ought" to be somewhere else in my understanding of Him?

Have I plateaued at just being content with MILK when I could have the MEAT of His word?

Would God see me as a mature adult or an adult baby?

Am I trained by constant practice at distinguishing good from evil?

"Search me Oh God, and know my heart!  Try me and know my thoughts!" (Psalm 139:23)  May I strive after MORE of you and never plateau with just enough.

Good thing my milk is ENOUGH for her now...but not forever.

Don't undo it.

"Honey, I read your last blog post...it was pretty blunt.  It didn't sound like you."

My stomach felt like it hit the floor.  In only a matter of moments, my palms were sweaty, cheeks were rosy, and my brain was going a mile a minute.  "Oh no!  Do you think I offended people?  I hope I didn't sound rude....do you think it was rude?  I think I'm going to delete it, hopefully not too many people have read it yet. What will they think of me? Oh no, oh no, oh no.." 

With every blog that I have written, I have felt an overwhelming peace to write it.  Seeing that I have never been much of a blogger before, I feel it is quite a supernatural moment to sit down and actually have my thoughts come out in some sort of articulate fashion.  Even after someone comments, I have to go back and reread it because I already forget what I wrote!  The way I typed the last one titled "Joy Vacuums" was no different.  I felt an overwhelming need to write about that topic, and had peace as the words flowed freely.  Not until Dave commented did I look back and see for myself how this post was quite different than the others.

Embarrassingly, my mulling over has continued on even until this very post.  There is just something daunting to me about being perceived in the wrong way, ruffle anyone's feathers too much, or seem judgmental.  But in reality, I have to just swallow the truth pill...I care too much about what other people think of me.

Ouch.  One pill I would like to ignore, and very hard to swallow. 

 Yet as I allowed my brain to occupy more space for anxiety, I was able to talk with my sister.  She reminded me of a quote from my Grandma that encouraged me deep within my soul.

"Don't ever undo in doubt what you did in faith."

Looking back, there are many moments in my life that I did just that.  Undid things in doubt that I began in faith.  

-Prepared material to share with an unbelieving friend and then decided to keep it in my back pack not sure if I had the right words.

-Quit too early on a campus ministry because I was worried I didn't measure up.

-Broke up with Dave, connecting a lot of petty issues making me worry for the future.

-Retracted our initial application to China figuring this couldn't possibly be the life God planned for me.

The list could go on.  And quite frankly, I don't even want to allow my mind to wander too far back into the past.  I don't want to face the honest truth of all that I "undid" in my doubt that I could have done for Him.  The whole "Coulda, woulda shoulda" chant can haunt us for days, huh?

So instead I choose to press on, straining toward what is ahead and forgetting what lies behind.  May my pile of redacted actions be burnt up in a heap so bright that even through my cowardly pathetic moments He can be glorified.  

Joy Vacuums

Dear Jesus,

Can you make something bad happen to me?  Just a little something?  I want a sad story.  Everyone else has a lot of sad things to say, but I never have anything.  I try really really hard to think of something bad, but I like my brothers and sisters, none of my grandparents have died, and my parents love each other.  Please make something bad happen.  Then maybe I'll have more friends.  Amen.

The above prayer were my own uttered words ALL through childhood.  Not kidding.  What child in their right mind would pray for bad things to happen to them, you ask?  One that constantly lives around joy vacuums.  Those people/vacuums who at the smallest inkling of joy in someone else's life sucks it up until all that's left is someone feeling guilty for the life God has blessed them with.  Sadly, I have been feeling this guilt ever since I was around 5 years old and started going to school.  I was, and still try to be now, a half full kind of girl always trying to find joy in the small things.  Yet as early as kindergarten I was taught to be guilty of joy, squelch happiness, and seek out negativity because complaining is the "in thing".

"Lauren, here's a life lesson for you.  You will always be annoying to people.  Period."

 - My dearest Mother

I think she meant for it to be a pondering type statement because I never fully grasped it's full meaning until I continued venturing through life.  Through high school, college, onto marriage, and now a mother, I have grasped this statement to its FULLEST extent.  There is just something about the cards that I was dealt with in life that has not experienced much tragedy or suffering to a full extent.  I have been given a heart and personality that naturally seeks the positive and tries to find the best in people. Yet I am honestly exhausted from feeling guilty and held captive to transforming my joy into "woes".  Who knew someone could feel bondage to blessing?  

Being a joy vacuum is a silent killer to unity in the church.  It can so deceptively creep it's way into the language of our hearts without realizing the damage.  From one who hears it often, these seemingly harmless words may sound a bit like this...

"Oh you're so lucky, you...."

"Well you would never understand, you're life is perfect."

"Oh you're happy now, but just wait until..."

"How come you ended up with such a great husband..."

"Well you're only happy because you're newlyweds...just wait."

"You don't know what it's like to work, you can eat whatever you want and never gain weight."

"I wish I could have at least half what you have."

"Oh my gosh...it's just not fair...you..."

If you find that these words frequently roll from your tongue, I hate to break it to you but you're a joy vacuum.  Without realizing, you are sucking the life out from these people and literally prompting them to unearth the negative just so they can relate to you.  

I understand that people who appear to be dumped with blessing shouldn't go around shouting about it from the rooftops, because then they are clearly annoying and just need some duct tape for their mouths.  But just going about living in the fullness of what Jesus has given should NEVER be squelched. 

 Every time someone says something to me like "Oh you're so lucky, you..." I find myself instantly trying to think of something bad about my life to bring up and share just so they don't feel bad because of my joy.  When people would vocalize jealousy over my fast metabolism, I quickly unearth all of my physical insecurities.  If people share their envy that my husband and I love each other, I feel the need to share the things that I find annoying in him.  In the times people tell me that I'm so lucky to have four years of teaching under my belt before I became a mother, I am quickly searching for yet another ungrateful, negative comment.

We are called to spur one another on in love.  May we never make people feel guilty for blessing.  May we in our sinful envy be careful not to steal joy and then replace it with bitterness.  In the past, I have allowed these words to pierce my heart to the point of praying for tragedy...at the age of five.  

May my sweet daughter live in the fullness of His love for her and taste the sweetness of His blessings and gifts with no guilt.  May her precious heart cause people to search for joy.  In her blessing, I hope and pray that she acts humbly and doesn't boast.  But my greatest hope is that she may experience the joy of Christ with FREEDOM.

Even for myself...when I see beautiful things in the lives of others that I don't have, may I rejoice with them.  May I take all bitterness, envy and jealousy to the feet of Jesus instead of unleashing it on my dear friends.  May I vent with a purposeful destination of ending at a place of contentment. 

It's okay to not feel sunshiny and happy all the days...trust me I don't either.  But be watchful of becoming a joy vacuum.  The one who is only here to kill, steal, and destroy will enjoy reeking havoc with you.

Heal the Wound but Leave the Scar

I've officially passed the 6 week mark.  

The mark they tell you that recovery from delivering a baby is normally over and you can start resuming life at a faster pace.  I have recognized the beautiful healing process that has redeemed me from this prolonged horizontal pose.  It was beautiful in the way that it demanded a posture of patience, rest, and being still to fully recover.  Any rushing the process would only set me back and keep the wounds fresh and vulnerable.  Yet in the midst of all this renewing, there is something that lingers...

...the scars.

It's something expected after pregnancy, and oddly it is something that I am quite content with.  Those squiggly little lines that now seem to dance all over my belly fill my heart with an unusual joy.  A joy that finds it's existence through hard work.  A feeling of empowerment like "Look, I have proof that I've made it through something significant".  Whether or not the scars on our bodies are from something significantly beneficial , it is still something our bodes (and most likely your mind) had to overcome in some way.  

Before my stomach was graced with the evidence of pregnancy, I also went through a period of time that accumulated scars from this tainted world.  Ever since moving to China, something changed with my body.  Call it the pollution, the water, or anxiety, but for three out of the four years my skin was under serious attack.  I had acne like I've never experienced as a teenager. The kind that would go so deep in my skin that no amount of make up could hide the bumps burrowed deep.  Mirrors were my enemy.  Pillows were soaked with tears most nights.  Hair was subconsciously pulled in front of my face when talking close to people.  I have never experienced such an insecure time in my life.  Of course I was able to maintain a level of outward joy when out in a crowd for I didn't want this issue to take over my life...but I was only lying to myself.  It had.  

To make matters worse, I never listened to any of the advice that said not to pick.  And now I see why.  You create a wound, you leave a scar.  You can only imagine how many wounds were healed then reopened in that three years  of aggravation and determination to make them disappear.  Wounds that kept reappearing out of the bondage of impatience and ignorance.  Finally, I just let GO.  At the end of last year I decided to stop reopening my wounds and just let them be...willing to wait it out no matter how much ugliness accumulated.  And it was then I began to finally taste freedom.  I found something that finally worked, and slowly wound after wound was healed.  But to quote myself from above, " In the midst of all this renewing, there [was] something that linger[ed]...

...the scars.

At first I didn't even notice them because I was just so thrilled the wounds were healed.  Every morning applying my make up seemed to be like a worship service of praise at the decreased amount of concealer.  The chains had been lifted, joy was reborn, and freedom was mine!  With each passing day, I kept on saying things to Dave like, "Did you see how fast it took me to do my make-up?" or "Look...just LOOK at my face!  Do you REMEMBER what it was like?"  And that's why I'm thankful for those scars....it's all about the remembering.    

Jesus promises to heal our wounds, but he doesn't do much with our scars.  He leaves them as a reminder of His grace.  Sometimes our scars are visible like stretch marks, stitches from surgery, or pockets of acne.  Others are scars of emotion, embedded deep where no one will ever see or maybe even know about.  But the one thing beautiful is that all of those scars are evidence that a wound has been healed.  And it means you allowed it to be.  

The Psalmist mentions how the Lord "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3).  In order for Him to do that, there needs to be that posture of patience, rest, and being still to fully recover.  And once you do, it's a beautiful thing...but the scar will linger on.  Yet don't grow saddened about that scar.  You have proof that there was a victory and a moving forward...a redirection and rebirth.  

And just think.  The One who heals our wounds had wounds of His own.  Wounds that still to this day leave a scar on His hands and feet.  Such beautiful scars are left as a reminder to us of his desire to reconcile EVERYTHING and make it beautiful.  

If you were needing this today, either go to this link and listen to this song, or read the lyrics.  They were an encouragement to my soul: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB0Yh_HS19I   

Heal the Wound - Point of Grace

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been 
But it's the memory of
The place that You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering