Loosen your grip, for there's crud between your fingers.

Take a good hard look at the picture above.  You see a little girl tightening everything in her body with all the might she can muster.  Her neck is recoiled, her fingers are clenched, her legs are extended and her toes are squished together.  While this may be quite cute for a picture, it makes for a rather difficult bath experience.  You see, her natural reactions to the cold air (or other unknown discomforts) make it almost impossible to wash out her deepest, filthiest, and stinkiest areas.  The areas she maintains a tight grip on all day long.  The areas that accumulate fuzz and spit up.  You might never know this, but the neck, armpits, and between fingers and toes can be the smelliest places on a baby!  But for new parents during the first week, we were so quick to get her in and out without screaming that we failed to notice those "clenched" areas.  That was until we lifted that armpit one day and noticed the build up!  Gross!

If you look close, you can see the fuzzy build up that she's been hiding.

You see, I can't help but notice the parallel.  As believers we see the need to be cleansed from our sin, to be washed and refreshed in his Word.  We even realize the fact that it's God who is doing the cleansing, dependent on His truths to penetrate our hearts and wash us from within.  But very much like our precious daughter, once the scrub is getting deeper, more personal, a little more unnatural and invasive, we recoil.  We clench.  We tighten with all the muscles we have.  We're okay with being washed, but not like THAT.

Anybody else out there relate to me in that you like to have a tight grip on things?  Like to have control?  Like to be able to set expectations and see them come through JUST the way you planned it?  We often hear how controlling people need to be "freed" and let God make the plans for our life.  But have we ever thought that we sometimes control how God cleanses our hearts?  I know for myself, I have found that in my prayers of repentance I will ask to be washed of the general bad attitude, backward priorities, and need to spend more time with Him.

But what if He wants to scrub DEEPER?  

Do we have our proverbial clenched fists holding fast to a build up of deeper issues?  Typically, since we are so focused on the grip and control, we fail to even notice the "crud between our fingers".   

In my tight grip on having a natural birth, was I failing to see the build up of not trusting God?

In my clenched fist of  scheduled to-do lists, am I ignoring a build up of working in my own strength?

In my recoiled pose of keeping a clean home, am I unable to see the build up of perfectionism?

The list could go on as we subconsciously hold on to bitterness, pride, and other things repulsive to the heart of  God (hopefully not looking like lint and smelling like toe jam!)

It all boils down to how MUCH are we willing to surrender?  Are we willing to be cleansed without tension, allowing Him to pry apart the areas in our lives that we give a vice like grip?  Let's ask Him to clean us deep, seeking out the secret areas.  Let's let go of control, and I will guarantee you'll be surprised with what He'll find hiding.  Rest in His arms and let Him go deep.  It's worth it.

The look of true "cleansing surrender".

"Tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender" - All Sons and Daughters

My song and prayer when I'm asking Him to "go deeper"

(Jonah33 "Search Me, Know Me")

Search me know me, try me and see

Any worthless affection hidden in me.

All I'm asking for, is that you'd cleanse me Lord.

Create in me a heart that's clean.

Conquer the power of secret shame.

Come wash away the guilty stain of all my sin.

Clothe me in robes of righteousness.

Cover my nakedness with grace.

All of my life before you now, I humbly bring.

She Knows Me

You know when you finish a good book and the ending was so powerful that you are left closing it and just staring off in the distance for a while taking it all in, replaying the plot, the characters, and the connections in your head?  Yeah, that's what it's been like lately with God.  I end up closing my bible or journal in the same way and just daze out...head swarming...letting out big sighs, smiling at connections he has lead me to, and reopening to pages and verses I didn't notice before.  It's lately been so overwhelming that I hesitate a little bit even opening up my journal because I don't know if I'm ready to go on another page flipping, internet searching, concordance looking, journal writing adventure again.  They have all just been a bit intense for my liking...a good intense, but intense all the same.  To be honest, I never fully understood what the impact of his revelation would be like when I wholeheartedly spoke the words "I'm ready to hear from you."  I feel like I have spoken these words before, but maybe my heart didn't truly mean it then, or he wasn't ready to share with me yet.  But he's sharing, and boy this little feeble mind of mine has just about imploded.  He is all just SO good I can't seem to take it in fast enough.  Fire hydrant spray of goodness over here!

There are literally four or five other blog posts that I desire to share and post, but I'll have to just take it slow since my mind is exhausted with each reflection.  Yet for the sake of acknowledging his goodness even for myself, I will continue to write.

The shrill screams of our our daughter reach the corners of our small apartment and the parental deep breaths begin.  We both glance at each other, take a sloooow deep breath and exhale "Nora, calm down...breathe...we're right here."  The screaming slows down to a steady cry.  We take another deep breath in and this time exhale "What's wrong, baby girl? as we rub her back.  Her cry is now just a steady whimper.  I then pick her up against my chest and......a sigh with a few sniffles.  With wide eyes we both shoot looks at each other like a miracle just happened before our eyes.  Seriously?!?  That was it?  She just wanted to be held? And then Dave said the words that still linger in my head...She knows it's you.

She knows it's me. 

She knows my voice enough to transform her screaming to a cry.

She knows my touch enough to change her crying to whimpers.

She knows my smell enough to calm down to a few sniffles.  

She knows me enough to trust she can be still and feel peace in my presence.

Jesus, thank you letting me experience this undeserving gift!

But of course, usually in the moments that I am acknowledging his goodness He decides to use that as the perfect "teachable moment" for me.  It's almost as if my He is like "Oh yeah, you noticed my gift?  Well let's just sit there for a while...have you thought of it like this?"  

Many times it is easy for us to see God as our Refuge, Strength, Healer, and other awesome titles.  Yet how many times do we truly approach him as Father?  I feel that we all know that as one of his many names, but do we really treat him like that?  Do we metaphorically climb in his lap? Do we allow ourselves to be quieted by his soothing words?  Do we even feel that His presence is one that we can rest and feel comforted by?  

I know for myself, I enjoy wallowing in my own self-pity sometimes.  Whether we like it or not, sometimes there is a bit of comfort in listening to ourselves whimper and pout over things in this life.  While many of us ashamedly find joy in spreading our misery to everyone around, some of us actually desire to have our souls comforted.  So for what it's worth...let's all stop the pity party and climb in His lap.  He wants to turn your screaming to crying, your crying to whimpers, and your whimpers to deep breaths of peace.  Breathe in...breathe out...He's right there.  Breathe in...breathe out...He isn't leaving.  Recognize his voice for he wants to lead you in His truth, speak love over you and delight in you.  Know his touch, for he will carry you through the darkness.  Be familiar with His smell, for his presence surrounds you when you feel you're alone.  Remember His words so you can distinguish the lies around you.  Look up to Him and marvel at how amazing he is.  To feel his peace and rest in his arms, you need to KNOW him.  

 I want to know you, I want to hear your voice.

I want to know you more.

I want to touch you, I want to see your face.

I want to know you more.

"Gou le."

As a foreigner raising kids in China, there are bound to be many cultural moments that are cause for confusion, questions and...ahem...two cents given.  With babies in particular, there is an unspoken expectation to hear those precious two cents in regards to breastfeeding.  This is typically how the conversation plays out:

Chinese Woman: "So how do you feed your baby?"

Me:  "With my own milk."

Confused Chinese Woman: "And that's it?"

Me: "Yep"

Confused Chinese Woman with advice: "You know, that's not enough for her.  You should also give her formula and sugar water so she likes it more."

Me: "Thank you, but my milk is enough for her."

Confused and Persistent Chinese Woman with advice: "Is this your first baby?  Have you asked other moms?  Are you sure that she will grow to be big and strong with just your milk?"

Patience draining out of me....trying to suppress the judgmental thoughts of "How dare you ask if this is my first baby like I don't know anything?  You can only have one child anyway." 

Me (taking a deep breath and making my last words short and concise): It's enough. (In Chinese this phrase is said "Gou le" pronounced like Go luh).

In these moments that could easily turn into a sinful how-dare-they-impose-on-me attitude, I bite my tongue and ask for the plank to be taken out of my eye.  A huge prideful log to swallow...ugh.  As I ranted to God about just how many times I have to go around saying "Gou le, Gou le, GOU LE" to all these Chinese women, he stopped me dead in the middle of my grumbling.  

Lauren....do you know how many times I say GOU LE to you?  Except my words are not just enough, but I AM ENOUGH.  That conversation you frequently have with women here is one that I have had with you quite often.  How frequently do you doubt that I am enough for you?  

When you are anxious, do you rest in the truth that my peace is ENOUGH?

When you feel inadequate, do you believe my value and love for you is ENOUGH?

When people fail you, do you allow my legacy of faithfulness to be ENOUGH?

When you are weak, do you trust that my grace is sufficient for you and more than ENOUGH?

I am the bread of life, whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst (John 6:35).  I satisfy the longing soul and the hungry soul I fill with good things (Psalm 106:32).  My divine power has granted you all things that pertain to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).  

For centuries, my beloved children failed to trust that I am ENOUGH.  My dear child, do not take this path.  Even the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years failed to appreciate my provision when I sent them bread from Heaven.  I told them to take enough each day until they were full and satisfied and to not worry about taking any for the next day because I would provide, but they did not listen.  Yet I am a God of love and continued to provide them with my "mystery manna" that was sweet to their lips and filling to their stomachs for the next 40 years.  I have enough to offer you so you may be filled to overflowing with each passing day.  Enough to even add a sweet taste of joy as  your abundant life lingers on.

Trust me, sweet one.  Every time you are questioned if your milk is enough for your child, may you think of how many times I get questioned if my love is enough for my children.  Just like you cling to your own mothering truths, cling to Mine.  

So now my own short remarks of "Gou le" no longer have the same prideful joy when being uttered.  For all I can hear now is my Father saying them to me:  "Gou le, my child.  Gou le."

 

"My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips."

 (Psalm 63:5)

Praying in Secret with the Door Open

The other day I found myself in quite the petty situation.  I opened my prayer journal and to my surprise, I had reached the end.  No single page was left vacant.  Just when my heart was filled with a joyful readiness, eager to pen my thoughts, I found myself literally at a loss for what to do.  Numb to the point of no problem solving capabilities I thought,  "How will I ever do my quiet time now?  I always meet with Him through writing...how am I ever going to focus?"

Goodness gracious.  Okay, embarrassing...vulnerable... moment...over.

And then it hit me.  Well more like paused me.  My last page in my journal turned into a visual that would alter the way I looked at these moments with the Father from this moment on.  It was as if He was saying "Lauren, now it's time to meet with me in a new way."  

You see, ever since I was a young girl I have always been all about my environment.  My bedroom had to be decorated "just so" before I could leave for school.  In college, I had to have a study corner that was perfectly stocked with anything I could possibly need.  As a teacher, I took great pride in decorating my room to be an effective, exciting and organized learning environment for my students.  Environment, environment, environment...that's always been how I held control (and sanity).  Yet I think that same motto subconsciously made it's way into my time with Jesus.  I have unknowingly set the scene for my quiet time that one little thing off makes me hesitate to even begin. I love waking up early when it seems like the world is still asleep, coffee in hand, journal in the other, worship music in the background, and my man on the couch beside me reading doing the same thing.  

This day in particular, I had gotten all settled in and noticed I forgot to turn the music on (which was all the way across the room), Dave was on his computer, I accidentally let my coffee get cold, and my journal was all filled up!  My perfect environment was crumbling right before my eyes!

As I moaned and went to go grab a boring brown journal, my penned complaints instantly changed direction rather quickly.  I looked down to my little 7ish pound bundle of joy on my lap and realized my environment has transformed ever since she stepped/swam into this world.  I needed to realize that my environment  now is something I can't prepare and choose or have any expectations for.  Life from here on out will be inundated with poopy diapers, cries, questions, interruptions, or sibling arguments, and yes...most likely during my time with the Lord.  

I remember reading this one book a friend lent me called "52 Things Kids Need from their Mom".  The first chapter is called "Pray in Secret with the Door Open".  It's a call to not let the distraction of kids draw you away from meeting with God, but as a way to let them watch. It's beautiful and I thought I would share an excerpt from her book.  This is a prayer she (Angela Smith) felt the Lord was speaking to her:

This is how I want you to pray now.  Pray in secret - with the door open.  I want them to see you being with Me.  I want them to catch you turning to your Heavenly Father for guidance.  I want them to learn from you how to walk with Me.  No dramatic presentation needed.  No fanfare required.  Angela (insert your own name here), this is a new season with a new way.  And this new way for your heart pleases Me.

Come to Me messy.

Come when you're tired.

Let the children lie on top of you.

Let them interrupt you.

You do not have to be perfect...just come to Me and let them see.

May I grasp NOW, before the crazy really takes over, and see that He is everywhere...not just in my perfect little setting.  Break me Lord...

Praying through a name, Nora Grace

When Dave and I were thinking of what to name our daughter, we had quite a difficult time at first.  It makes it rather challenging to come up with something when one person wants a name they hear often, while the other one wants something  that is not as common and not heard often.  How in the world do you compromise with that?!?  We finally came to an agreement that we would choose a name that sounded sweet when she was young, but then would age well with her and sound mature when she was older.  That's when we came across Nora.  No, we didn't go about looking for meanings first.  No, we didn't pass down any family names, and we didn't choose something biblical.  Just something that would transition from sweet to mature.  A couple months later, I decided to look deeper into her name and it was then that the Lord did a beautiful thing through a name we just "came up with".  He gave it meaning.  He transformed her name into a prayer using that meaning, and he revealed to me how to be intentional in my prayers for her.  Here's how it all went down in our journal for her:

July 24, 2013

Nora Grace,

Here I am spending time with Jesus and thinking about you all at the same time.  It is difficult not to think about you at a time like this for He is doing a mighty work in you already!  This morning I couldn't help but think of your name.  Nora is said to mean "honor and light".  When I think of honor, I think not of how people will honor you, but how you will seek after what is honorable.  Paul says "whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, or worthy of praise, to think on these things." My prayer for you Nora, honorable one, is that you would chase after what is honorable with all your heart and seek after truth.  Your middle name is Grace, and I think this speaks for itself.  In this world Nora  there will be much imperfection and unneeded anxiety or fear that is accompanied with it.  I pray that you would receive His grace to you so that you can give His grace to the world.  May the world see Jesus in you baby girl.  Never let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example to the believers...and the world!  When I whisper your name on my lips, Nora Grace, in that moment I am praying that you strive after what is honorable, receive His grace, and freely pour it out as a light to the world.  A short and simple prayer, but I promise to fervently pray that over you.  Live up to your name, Nora.  May you forever be a sweet fragrance of your Savior.

"I will make you as a light for the nations, that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth."

 - Isaiah 49:6

In the moments when she's screaming and I don't have words to calm her down, may I pray her own name over her....Nora Grace, Nora Grace, Nora Grace.  Seek honor....be a light....receive and give grace.

100 gifts and counting...

Ann Voskamp challenges her readers in her book  "One Thousand Gifts" to slow down and live fully in each moment. When you are delivering a baby, there is no moment that you want to necessarily slow down or quite soak in.  That is until afterward when you are desiring to go back and recount the blessings that hid in the background of the momentary affliction.  The day after I gave birth, I had already suppressed so much of that laborious day, yet pleaded with God to bring it back just long enough so I could see evidence of Him in ways I didn't recognize at the time. So here goes...a birth story recorded through the gifts He gave me along the 22 hour journey to meet Nora Grace. 

*Note: Anything in italics are words/songs spoken over me.

1.  Car ride with no pain
2. Go bags packed and prepared
3.  Calcified placenta - meaning I could be emitted that night instead of 2 days later when I was "officially" 41 weeks
4. Delivery suite with bedroom and living room
5. Yummy foot long subway sandwiches
6.  Cold showers...for overheated pregnant women
7. Fans that hide the lack of A/C
8. Nurses eager to practice English 
9. Natural medicine to "ripen the cervix" before trying Pitocin
10. Contractions starting only 2 hours later 
11. A mom who is a light sleeper (gently tending to my "midnight moaning")
12. Hymns to hum
13. Fluffy pillows to squeeze
14. Verses memorized
15. Medicine removed...natural contractions in full gear!
16. No Pitocin needed 
17. Personal doctor that comes at 2:00 am to sleep in our suite to just "be there" if I need her
18. Yoga balls
19. Hands to grasp...squeeze...clench...
20. Warm showers
21. Warm showers with yoga ball
22. Sweet nothings whispered with every contraction
23. "Turn your eyes upon Jesus..."
24. Mom/husband team of worshipers and prayer warriors
25. "Be still and know that He is God."
26. The act of waiting, groaning, longing...reminding me of Jesus
27. Filled lungs...deep breaths
28. 10 minute rest periods granted ("Jesus can I please just have 10 minutes of no contractions so I can sleep?")
29. The ability to squat
30. Lots of pillows!
31. Effaced cervix
32. Support team with lots of energy
33. Grace and understanding to pause in conversation between contractions.
34. Long awaited 3 cm!
35. Contraction tracking app (to time some lasting 6 minutes long!)
36. "So do not fear for I AM with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God"
37. Maternity swimsuit top
38. Wheelchairs for transporting
39. Scrubs for my MOM
40. Make-up to refresh
41. Dimmed lights
42. Soothing music
43. Warm tub filling
44. A room full of nurses just waiting to tend to me
45. Weightless body
46. Any position possible, moving all around
47. Tub handles and pocketed bottom
48. My legs fitting just right so I could push against the side
49. Fixed gazes
50. "Honey, you were designed for this..."
51. Crying out to Jesus as is if He were the only one in the room.
52. "Thank you for the cross Lord, thank you for the price you paid."
53. Doctors praying over me
54. "Turn your eyes upon Jesus...look full in His wonderful face.  And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."
55. Massages for my back
56. Warm water
57. "Be still, be still...and know that I am God."
58. Healthy heartbeat check
59. Hands to squeeze
60. Assurance at my breaking point
61. Overwhelming rush of PEACE
62. Fixed gaze on the prize
63. 6 cm!
64. "Jesus, name above all names, beautiful Savior, glorious Lord...Emmanuel, God is with us...blessed redeemer, living word."
65. Strong lungs to breathe
66. Self-control
67. No irritable word uttered (truly a supernatural HELP!)
68. "Jesus..carry me...hold me...help me...."
69. "You can do this, Lauren"
70. No cultural tension
71. American advocates
72. Air-conditioning
73. Fists as loving head rests
74. Silence
75. Concentration
76. Re-heated tub
77. "I need thee every hour, in joy or pain...come quickly and abide...or life is vain."
78. Back rubs
79. Prayers of thankfulness - Jesus as the focus
80. "Beautiful moments" recorded on cell phones (with permission)
81. Another healthy heartbeat check
82. More back rubs
83. Sweet nothings in my ear
84. Forehead kisses
85. "I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
86. New position...rocking, swaying.
87. 10 cm only 30 minutes after 6 cm!
88. Beautiful design for my body to work and take over
89. Encouragement to finish strong
90. "Great job, Mama" with every push...from all the doctors
91. Guidance to slow down to protect me from tearing
92. Deep breaths
93. Perseverance
94. Self-control
95. Supernatural "Hulk-like" strength - as my man called it.
96. Straining for the prize
97. Visualizing Jesus
98. "Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith."
99. An "it is finished" sigh...
100. Relief
101. Baby on my chest
102. Happy, sad, I'm-so-proud-of-myself, confused, delirious tears
103. Capable nurses to bring human color back to my blue baby
104. More endurance for the 2nd birth
105. Across the room gaze at my baby girl
106. Locked eyes at my man...my support...my love
107. Only slight tear
108. Painless stitches
109. Chinese doctors all practicing her little name "Nora, Nora..."
110. More happy tears
111. Pride filling my heart
112. More loving gazes...in a trance...world fading around me
113. Affection from doctors
114. Healthy 7 lb 11 oz baby Nora
115. New life...Jesus glorified

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses (or doctors and nurses), let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely (fear, anxiety, panic), and let us run with endurance (taking deep breaths and pushing) the race that is set before us (delivering your baby), looking to Jesus (FOCUS), the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him (your baby) endured the cross (the pain, humiliation and vulnerability), despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God (proud, loved, humbled)."

Hebrews 12:1-2 *emphasis mine...as well as the added words ;)

Rear view mirror of Blessing

Mark Driscoll's words still ring so clearly in my mind:

"Many times, we want God to show us what His plan is through a windshield so we can see it coming and be prepared.  Yet He only gives us a glance of the rear view mirror, seeing the purposes of His plan unfold AFTER they happen."

Our summer in America ended for us on July 18th when we came back to an unforeseen six full weeks of being home together before school starting (it should have been about 3 1/2).  Due to a series of unmet expectations, new school construction delays, and moments of sheer unknown, the school staff was left to just sit back and put their trust in the only One who seemed to have a plan that wouldn't "fall through".  Oddly enough, while the school staff had their own journey of letting go and surrendering, so did I...it just didn't have anything to do with classrooms or new students.  

Mine was a journey of surrender to the old me...the one who liked to be the source of her own strength.  The one who justified pushing work at the top of her priority list simply because she was doing it "for the glory of God."  The one who forgot what it was like to sit and laugh, sing, and even weep in the presence of her King.

Well let me tell you...you gain a lot when you let go.

If on July 18th I could have seen through the windshield of the next six ambiguous weeks spent at home NOT preparing for another school year, I might have thought I would go crazy.  Lesson planning, bulletin board preparing, and classroom decorating was always the agenda to my August month.  Thankfully, as I glance back through the rear view mirror of it all I see his carefully crafted use of that 6 week chunk.  On the days I felt like "productivity" was minimal, those were the days He most likely thought there was much accomplished.  In my heart.

Until this little one decides to make an appearance, I am going to try and put into words the view that I am now seeing through the rear view mirror.