Set free to live free

Ugh.  I just finished the most intriguing, heartbreaking, confusing, aggravating, and exhausting memoir I've every laid my eyes on.  It's right up there with Frank McCourt's Angela's Ashes as Jeannette Walls takes you on the journey through her intriguingly dysfunctional childhood.  

As a new mother, I was warned when borrowing this book that at some points I would want to throw it across the room.  And yes...this dear friend was right.  Oddly enough, what made my heart burst the most was not the moments of neglect, the father's drunken rages, or even how many times their family just picked up and moved for the heck of it.  Out of all the deep sadness, what I couldn't seem to fathom was how many times something that could rescue them out of poverty, starvation, or eviction was simply wasted....over, and over and over again.

A 2 carat diamond ring that could have put food on the table was hoarded away so that the mother could just sit and marvel at it's beauty.

An entire paycheck spent on beer and cigarettes while the children were left home eating butter, the only thing left in the fridge.

A million dollar property just sitting there unused or sold while the owners wasted away in a shack with no indoor plumbing.

Even at the end of the book when the children grew up and had flourishing lives of their own, the parents chose to remain in the same neighborhood but homeless.

It was in these moments that I wanted to throw the book and scream out "LOOK WHAT YOU COULD HAVE, AND YOU'RE WASTING IT!"  

(Deep breath)...Lauren...take the plank out of your eye.  

Right.  These were not fictional characters that I was judging.  This was a memoir for crying out loud.  A real story.  These were real people.  When desiring to seek holiness, condescending thoughts like this will get you nowhere.  

If God were in a sense reading my life story would he want to throw the book down and yell out "LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE GIVEN YOU, AND YOU'RE WASTING IT!"?  Well, of course I can't picture him yelling at me like that, but it's worth a mental picture to wake me up.  Over and over and over again I forget that I was set free to live free.  How many times am I just like Jeannette's parents choosing to live in poverty while they have a million dollar property to sell? 

I am EXACTLY like them when I refuse Christ's grace and instead choose to struggle with the same sin issues over and over and over again.

I am EXACTLY like them when I even entertain the thought that my life before Christ's saving power was better than striving for holiness.

I am EXACTLY like them when I am offered a life free from guilt, shame or fear, and willingly choose to carry the baggage of anxiety instead.

I am EXACTLY like them when Christ offers me supernatural peace and I hoard it away for another day instead of resting in it right then.

Even though these parents seemed so dysfunctional, selfish, and crazy as I was reading, I am now so humbled that Christ looks at me the same.  I am just as dysfunctional, selfish and crazy when I don't live in the FULLNESS of Christ.  Thank goodness that he doesn't just "throw the book down" as he watches me squander away the goodness He offers me daily, and instead showers me with MORE grace...over, and over, and over again.  

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

-Galatians 5:1

Choose to be inspired.

Being inspired by someone can be a mental discipline.  

I knew my brain needed some strong rearing when I began seeing awesome things in the life of others and instead of being intrigued and in awe, the only scrap of reflection I could seem to muster was INTIMIDATED.  

There it was.  Strangling the only motivation I had left, which was already reserved for the menial tasks of the day let alone the extravagant.  We've all been there.  Succumbed to the projects of Pinterest, the reflections of blogs, the recipes of a friend.  We let them drag us on like a carrot in front of a horse without any promise of making us happier or satisfied.

When I first got married and began teaching, I let this carrot drag me on tirelessly.  I would shrivel up with inadequacy every time I looked at another teacher's blog.  "I will NEVER be able to do that" I would sulk to myself and occasionally speak out loud.  My dear husband would sometimes lovingly "ban" me from sites like Pinterest and blogs for a time since he grasped the backlash on my weak heart.  In my weary efforts of becoming all I could be as a teacher, there was no time in the day or energy left in my body to acquire much culinary skill beyond a simple pasta or chicken dish.  

The four years until now are quite fuzzy.  Sure I have many beautiful memories and a huge pile of cherished moments that I still cling to.  Yet through pregnancy and what I have journeyed thus far as a mother have revolutionized me...and my mental health. 

I still chase that carrot stick, yes.  It's just in me to keeping going and wanting to be better.  But now there is joy in the striving.  A child-like glee in acquiring new skills that I "should have" known how to do years ago.  

This all kind of reminds me of a project I did for my grad work.  I was studying the difference between two types of people - people from a fixed mindset and those from a growth mindset.  People (or students in particular) from a fixed mindset are the ones who don't think intelligence is something you can change.  If you're smart you're smart, and if you're not you're not...so there's really no point in trying.  Yet people from the growth mindset feel that your brain can continue to keep on developing and growing if you keep pushing it.  In life I see this division in people and it digs deeper and stretches further than intelligence.

Well I never learned to cook before I got married, so I guess this is it.

All through college my complete bedroom set was hot pink with fuzzy pillows, so I clearly don't know how to decorate a house in a mature way.  

For years I was a Facebook mooch and just looked at what other people were doing, so why start posting pictures now?

I have never been "known" for being the reflective type so I probably shouldn't share my feelings online.

Note: All of the above are examples from my life.  

I think the enemy has a hay day when people see their life through a fixed mindset.  I mean, when other people are merely intimidating, we stand still.  We stop moving and sulk in our "fixed fate".  Yet when people are inspiring, we see the possibility that we can be that way too.  Just because we weren't that way before, who says we can't now?  

Over the last couple of months, I have begun altering my perspective.  Through the discipline of being inspired by people, I have found such joy in new recipes, crafty projects, home renovations, and parenting tricks.  So much has been gained from freely releasing my self-acquired chains of intimidation.

The people that inspire me the most are the ones who find a way to create something out of nothing.  Sometimes in the crafty sense, but more so in the learned skill or rekindled lifestyle way. 

-Friends who realize that as an adult they don't know how to swim so they look at tutorials on youtube and teach themselves!

-Sisters who desire to learn how to cut hair like at a salon so she buys the materials and figures it out herself.  From this she went to cut hair for her whole entire dorm!

-Leaders who see the need to return a gas-powered moped back to its home 2 hours away but don't know how to drive one. She then takes 30 minutes to be taught how to and then courageously rides the steep, mountainous, and busy Philippine roads all the way back!

-Parents who become "empty nesters", but then open their hearts up to overseas ministry!

-Couples who watch as their own marriage is crumbling but then choose to try and redeem that which was broken through Christ.

-People like Paul, who are first opposed to the Gospel but then choose to abandon the labels of their past to pursue Christ fully and freely!

What an inspiration they are to me!  Each of these people (whether they know it or not) have encouraged me to press on, learn new things, not be stuck with who I "thought" I was, and keep trying.  

Let's dangle that carrot stick of inspiration in front of each other as to say:

"Keep pressing on!"

Small things with GREAT love.

After 17 hours of flights, connections and layovers we made it to the Philippines…4 month old daughter in tow. 

I had great visions of gallivanting off to the surroundings slums to bring joy through Nora’s little chubby cheeks.  I dreamt of going to the orphanage, allowing her to be clobbered by these children who have nothing but great joy and contentment.  I fashioned pictures in my head of what it would look like to go to many places with happy baby alongside me.  I couldn't wait to do all of these GREAT things.  And then the humidity, heat, and intense over-stimulation swallowed my precious daughter.  It clobbered her energy more than the street kids touching every inch of her pale skin.  I soon realized that our “outings” had to be squeezed in the time frames surrounding the 4-5 naps that she wanted each day.  Just one day in, I found myself stuck on campus only a baby monitor distance away from her sweating body flopped on someone’s bed for yet another nap.

As I spent that first day searching for some sort of redefined “purpose”, I realized that in my searching I was missing the point.  What was I searching for?  Some sort of purpose that measured up to what everyone else was doing?  Or was it a purpose that looked like I was actually here for a good enough reason?  Did I fear being judged for my appearance of just “sitting around”? Was I afraid of looking naive in bringing an infant on this type of a trip?  

Be still my child...quiet your restless soul and WAIT for me to show you.

You need to stop the searching and just start loving…right where you are.  Whether it is sitting by the poolside, or standing in the kitchen, or walking around the campus to stroller soothe your  little one.  Surrender the approval that what you are  doing is worthwhile and start soaking up the moments to love inside the gated walls of the center. 

These words pounded in my head and on my heart.

Looking back, this trip was different for me largely because it was more of  me grasping the value of love beyond all the more noticeable ministries.  I began seeing that doing small things with GREAT love was just as kingdom worthy, Lord pleasing, and a fragrant offering of His grace to those around me. 

God so beautifully placed precious people to love on right inside the gates of the ministry center.  And I’m so happy my heart and eyes were open to see them. 

No.  We were not able to make it to any mass feedings this year.   But we were able to snuggle and rap with this awesome kid James Michael. (Btw, keep praying for him.  He has had surgery to remove his tumor but endures painful headaches in the recovery process.)

No.  We couldn't handle more than 10 minutes on the street without massive over-stimulation, but we could spend endless time with Karen and her son as she awaited the day of her surgery.

No. We didn’t make it to the school to do crafts and help tutor and read with the students.  But we did get to bring the crafts to little Jannika the day after she was rescued from Tacloban.

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And no.  I wasn't able to go visit the children from Journey for Hope that I had bonded with last year, but I was able to see one of the boys I met last year get baptized in the pool at the ministry center!  Here is he shouting "Jesus is Lord!".

Just when I began to feel claustrophobic and chained down, the ministries came to me.  May I remember this for when I return back to my own community in Shenyang.  I want to have this as a daily reminder that Jesus calls me to minister right where I'm at.  I need to stop searching and just start loving.  Loving in a big way is just as valuable as doing big things.

Even though some days I feel like I am only out of my house to go to the market and back, I hope my eyes can be opened to what is on the way.  The woman walking down the stairwell at the same time as me.  The man finding recyclables in the trash can.  The guard stoically poised in front of our gate.  The children who stop and peer into the stroller.  The ladies at the market who babysit for 2 minutes while I run up to the 2nd floor really quick.  All of these people!  May I not be blind to the opportunity of loving them while my heart can easily compare with the BIG things other people are able to do.  

I long to find beauty in the quiet.  The simple.  The whispers.  Even the things that go unnoticed.  For loving in secret and without a reward is almost the greatest joy...for the One whom we are really serving does see, and is pleased.

“Do small things with GREAT love.” – Mother Theresa