Small things with GREAT love.

After 17 hours of flights, connections and layovers we made it to the Philippines…4 month old daughter in tow. 

I had great visions of gallivanting off to the surroundings slums to bring joy through Nora’s little chubby cheeks.  I dreamt of going to the orphanage, allowing her to be clobbered by these children who have nothing but great joy and contentment.  I fashioned pictures in my head of what it would look like to go to many places with happy baby alongside me.  I couldn't wait to do all of these GREAT things.  And then the humidity, heat, and intense over-stimulation swallowed my precious daughter.  It clobbered her energy more than the street kids touching every inch of her pale skin.  I soon realized that our “outings” had to be squeezed in the time frames surrounding the 4-5 naps that she wanted each day.  Just one day in, I found myself stuck on campus only a baby monitor distance away from her sweating body flopped on someone’s bed for yet another nap.

As I spent that first day searching for some sort of redefined “purpose”, I realized that in my searching I was missing the point.  What was I searching for?  Some sort of purpose that measured up to what everyone else was doing?  Or was it a purpose that looked like I was actually here for a good enough reason?  Did I fear being judged for my appearance of just “sitting around”? Was I afraid of looking naive in bringing an infant on this type of a trip?  

Be still my child...quiet your restless soul and WAIT for me to show you.

You need to stop the searching and just start loving…right where you are.  Whether it is sitting by the poolside, or standing in the kitchen, or walking around the campus to stroller soothe your  little one.  Surrender the approval that what you are  doing is worthwhile and start soaking up the moments to love inside the gated walls of the center. 

These words pounded in my head and on my heart.

Looking back, this trip was different for me largely because it was more of  me grasping the value of love beyond all the more noticeable ministries.  I began seeing that doing small things with GREAT love was just as kingdom worthy, Lord pleasing, and a fragrant offering of His grace to those around me. 

God so beautifully placed precious people to love on right inside the gates of the ministry center.  And I’m so happy my heart and eyes were open to see them. 

No.  We were not able to make it to any mass feedings this year.   But we were able to snuggle and rap with this awesome kid James Michael. (Btw, keep praying for him.  He has had surgery to remove his tumor but endures painful headaches in the recovery process.)

No.  We couldn't handle more than 10 minutes on the street without massive over-stimulation, but we could spend endless time with Karen and her son as she awaited the day of her surgery.

No. We didn’t make it to the school to do crafts and help tutor and read with the students.  But we did get to bring the crafts to little Jannika the day after she was rescued from Tacloban.

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And no.  I wasn't able to go visit the children from Journey for Hope that I had bonded with last year, but I was able to see one of the boys I met last year get baptized in the pool at the ministry center!  Here is he shouting "Jesus is Lord!".

Just when I began to feel claustrophobic and chained down, the ministries came to me.  May I remember this for when I return back to my own community in Shenyang.  I want to have this as a daily reminder that Jesus calls me to minister right where I'm at.  I need to stop searching and just start loving.  Loving in a big way is just as valuable as doing big things.

Even though some days I feel like I am only out of my house to go to the market and back, I hope my eyes can be opened to what is on the way.  The woman walking down the stairwell at the same time as me.  The man finding recyclables in the trash can.  The guard stoically poised in front of our gate.  The children who stop and peer into the stroller.  The ladies at the market who babysit for 2 minutes while I run up to the 2nd floor really quick.  All of these people!  May I not be blind to the opportunity of loving them while my heart can easily compare with the BIG things other people are able to do.  

I long to find beauty in the quiet.  The simple.  The whispers.  Even the things that go unnoticed.  For loving in secret and without a reward is almost the greatest joy...for the One whom we are really serving does see, and is pleased.

“Do small things with GREAT love.” – Mother Theresa

Where there are no children...

I just love reading the Proverbs.  They are the perfect way for people to begin mini reading plans since there are 31 of them and hey, there are 31 days in a normal month.  One for each day!  You'll never forget which Proverb to read. 

Okay...enough random musings...on with my point.

The other day I was reading and actually had a moment where I laughed out loud.  It followed quickly with my verbal affirmation of "SO TRUE!".  All you moms out there, I think if you just allow this verse to relate to you for a moment, enjoy getting a smile:

Where there are no oxen the manger is clean,

but abundant crops come from the strength of the ox. (Proverbs 14:4)

You see my laugh came right after the first line, because I couldn't help but associate that kind of mess to my own house.  But then my "so true" came immediately following the second line.  

Our life is full of these juxtaposed moments.  Moments that when compared to each other allow the positive outlook to win.  For the positive is the afterthought...what comes second...the last word.  

Where there are no oxen..

...began eventually lending itself to...

Where there are no children...

Wait?!  How dare I allow my mind to wander to such a thought?  But then I remember, it's not so much about the negative as long as I let my last word be that of a different perspective.  One full of gratitude -  redefining every tired and weary complaint.

So I made a few "verses" of my own.  Once I got going, it was pretty fun!

Where there are no children there is much sleep,

BUT much joy comes from seeing their smiles in the dark.

Where there are no children my to-do lists actually have a line through them,

BUT oh the beauty in slowing down each moment.

Where there are no children my social calendar is full,

BUT how rewarding it is to snuggle on the couch with our family of three.

Where there are no children my outfits match and I feel fashionable,

BUT how much more special it is to revel in the act of dressing up.

Where there are no children I can eat out and leave the house anytime I want,

BUT much knowledge has been gained and new recipes tried as I cook in my own kitchen!

Where there are no children my laundry load was MUCH smaller,

BUT how it melts my heart to hang up itty bitty baby socks.

My list could go on, but instead I'll save it for when I need something to help me while I wait ;)

Who knew there could be such beauty in the "BUT"? 

Just One Word

"FORGET NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS: JUST CHOOSE ONE WORD"

When I saw that a friend of mine had decided to take the 365 One word challenge, I felt inspired.  I instantly found myself brainstorming for one word that could sum up how I need to change, what I can work on, or what I can strive for.  Words like surrender, grace, and joy were the first ones that captured my attention.  As I let my mind ponder all through the day, it wasn't till I was fast in my REM cycle that night when it came to me.

WAIT 

Well...at least I was granted 6ish hours of shut eye cause there was no sleep to be had after that thought.  I lay there staring into the darkness as if the silence was going to clarify things for me.  WAIT?  What kind of word is that?  Maybe patience would be better...that's kind of like WAIT.  But no, I couldn't shake this particular word.  

I went back to the website http://velvetashes.com/my-lovehate-relationship-with-risk/ just to read on about this challenge, and saw that she noted "if [your word] doesn't scare you at least a little bit, it's probably not the right word."

You see, that word DID scare me....and not just a little bit.  While I would love to say I exude patience and excel at waiting on people or for things to happen, I'll just set the record straight right now.  I've never been very good at waiting...and it's embarrassingly immature.  When I'm walking behind someone slow in a crowded hallway, I'm quickly looking for a way to maneuver around them.  If I'm talking to someone and the wait time for their response goes beyond 5 seconds, I find myself repeating or altering my original question.  When we're heading out the door, I'm the one who is all bundled up resisting to tap my impatient foot while the other....ahem...person...is getting his things together.  The word WAIT is almost laughable to me as something to meditate on for a whole year!  Oh the things to learn!

Yet as I spent just one single day meditating on what this word encompasses, I found myself even more confident that this was in fact the perfect word for me.  Looking through my journal with all of my written insecurities and things repented in the year of 2013, I noted a few patterns.  I wanted a word that would help to conquer those sins that keep coming up like a dog returning to its vomit.  The sins that don't seem that bad, but actually destroy the very character God is molding.  The damage of no restraint or trust seemed to be a kiln to my clay like heart.  They held me fast, and left me hard...impenetrable...difficult to change.

As I scurried around at a pace that only seems logical for someone in an absolute rush, I missed the precious moments in the SLOW.  For in the stillness of the slow waiting and pauses of life, true beauty illuminates.  So for 2014 I'm setting my mind to the word wait.

I long to wait before speaking to make sure my hurtful words are restrained.  In time,  His peace and love will extinguish my flaming offensive darts.

I strive to wait and hear the whole side to a story before letting my mind race with judgement.

I crave to wait for food to cook all the way through that seems like its been in the oven forever! (true story...)

I want to wait and embrace each developmental stage of my precious daughter without always longing for the next.

I hope to wait patiently with poise for taxi's in the freezing cold without losing my cool.

I desire to wait for God's timing so I can reap his "soar like eagles" kind of rest.

I purpose to wait for stubborn, unpredictable and/or blocked internet speeds realizing that it is not...the...end...of the world.

My heart groans to wait for dear  loved ones and their hearts to change.  Although I realize He has more business with my own heart and that's probably why I don't recognize what he is doing with everyone else. Hmmm...

So yeah.  I'm spending 2014 to sit...soak...simmer...and marinate in this word.  Hopefully as I ahem...wait for this word to infuse my heart, I will see the beauty that was once a blur in all of my rushing.  For I don't want to miss the beauty of things that go slow - children developing, rush hour traffic, internet speeds, an eternity of winter, lasagna cooking, flowers growing, hearts being transformed, my own stubborn heart awakened.

Although this year I'm learning to wait, may I discover ways to productively wait.  I don't want to just spend my time waiting like a crazy person (counting, tapping my feet, or sighing).  Maybe I can come up with things like scripture to quote, songs to hum, making invisible lists of gratitude in my head, or praying for people.  

It's one thing to wait.  It's another thing entirely to wait well.  May I honor Him in the waiting.

  

New life

As the advent season had just begun, my heart swelled with the joy of preparing for the coming King.  Jesse tree ornaments were made, an advent book was purchased and Dave and I were excited for the mornings we could read each day together over coffee and then hang them on the tree.  My advent season would indeed be that of waiting....longing....yearning, yet not in the typical Christmas season way.  In a week's time, my heart experienced the tug of so much yearning that I literally thought it would bust.  I waited for a phone call from my parents to hear if my grandpa went home to be with Jesus.  I longed to be with my grieving family before he actually passed.  I yearned for that phone call to be soon.

When my heart couldn't take it anymore, we surrendered the financial stress and bought a ticket to leave in 4 days...just me and the little one.  That advent-like rush of heart groaning and expectancy flooded my soul yet again.  I excitedly began waiting for the coming days to have my dad and siblings meet Nora for the first time.  I grievously longed  for Dave to come with me since he couldn't find a substitute for the next two weeks.  I anxiously yearned for God's provision on this long international flight by myself with a 3 month old.  

Now almost two weeks has gone by and my brain still fumbles how to process the all sustaining, grace-filled provision I was granted in that trip to America.  It was almost too good to be true that in the exact year of my grandfather's passing, I was mandated to return to the States to renew Nora's visa.  It seems unreal that in this time of death, my grandma was able to hold the new life of her first great grandchild.  It's a joy to soak in the fact that my siblings who thought they would meet Nora for the first time at 9 months got to see her at 3.  And then to think because of all of these reasons drawing us to the States at this time, we could celebrate our first Christmas with family in 4 years!

May Christ be acknowledged in His goodness toward his children.  Although death brought us together, new life gave us a reason to celebrate.  Grandpa's new resurrected life, Nora's baby life, and the glorious life of our Savior, born in a manger.  What a season of joy! 

Four generations!

"Out of the stump of David's family will grow a shoot." - Isaiah 11:1

If you're dynamite, I'm a match.

I just love all the special features on a camera.  The kind that just by holding down the button can take a multitude of shots in mere seconds.  It's in those moments that the raw genuine emotion is captured and you can see what you really look like.  You can't photo shop the kind of expression in the picture above...it's just there.  And the coolest thing about it?  It's with my Mom.

Us Chases have always been known for our energy.  It's either annoying like a bright light on an early morning or encouraging like a personal trainer when working out.  Either way, it's something that is deep within us and would make us phony if we tried not be to that way.  Whenever there is anything resembling a reunion, it's like a stick of dynamite with a match.  Yep...it freaks people out.  And we love it.

I can't believe the bright eyed, blonde headed beauty in this picture just turned 51 yesterday.  Still so fresh and full of zest even after life has made it's full circle on her.  Her daughter now has a daughter.  It's in a picture like this that I find myself sitting back and making plans for my own legacy I want to build.  I want to build memories that contain a picture like this of me and Nora...squeezing the guts out of each other from an overflow of too much pent up emotion.  So here is just the beginning of my "Hope list", and all I had to do was start by looking at that picture.

One day I hope that...

-Nora will learn to see people's hearts before their face, embracing the fact that all her friends look different.

- Nora will be pointed to Jesus every time she has a negative comment, complaining spirit, or ugly attitude.

-Nora will rest in the deep love that her parents have for each other.

-Nora will come to my closet to borrow clothes, get fashion advice, or try on all my necklaces.

-Nora will know that I trust her to follow Jesus wherever he leads her...even if it's across oceans and miles away.

- Nora will call me her friend more than just her mom.

-Nora will seek me out for advice and know that I genuinely care.

-Nora will be spurred on to love Jesus more by watching me live.

Mom, all of these "hopes" originated from what I already share with you.  These beautiful attributes that define our relationship have given me a firm foundation for my own journey with Nora.  

And yes it's cheesy, but the title of this post should be our motto...it's official ;)  Happy Birthday, beautiful!

I think just like a cow digests.

Did you know the odd/gross/interesting fact that cows have four stomachs?  Everything they eat gets chewed on for a while and then swallowed into their first stomach.  It then gets thrown back up and chewed on some more (who wouldn't want to chew on their own throw up?), only to be swallowed into the second stomach.  The cycle continues to repeat itself until the food has made its entire digestive journey.  As stomach churning (no pun intended) as this visual may be, there is nothing else that more accurately describes my thoughts lately.  I find myself figuratively "chewing" on an idea or realization and can't stop thinking about it all day.  Then I forget about it for a little while and go about my life, but then it comes back to my mind again looking a bit different then before.  I allow it to be forgotten again, and then lo and behold, it creeps back up needing to be "chewed" on some more.  

This act of revisiting, mulling over, pondering again and again must be what meditating looks like.  Not the yoga pose where you find your happy place kind of meditating.  Instead a still (digesting) pose allowing a theme of your heart that has been chasing you to nestle with you for bit longer.  Running and eating is never a good idea.     

Looking in my draft box of unpublished blog posts, it is then that I see them.  The cow stomachs just glaring back at me.  I witnessed my own digestion of thought as three posts lay unfinished without any complete thought.  What began with me observing how the seasons change, suddenly became processed through my mind over and over and over about topics from God's provision, to surrendering, to mercies new every morning, to sanctification, and the list goes on.  Each was like a different chamber, sectioned off to mull over the topic in a new way but from the same origin.   

I don't want to make this post extremely long, so I'll take you through the "stomach chambers" in other updates.  Just by noticing the seasons has directed my thoughts in so many ways, I'm curious if there is more He wants to show me.

Grandpa's advocate

Although years of dementia have stolen the words from his mouth, I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is an accumulated list desiring to bubble over from his heart.  A list of words that are instead portrayed through prolonged glances, interpreted by mustered smiles, or sent through grandchildren who can be the vessel of his sweet love.  I want to be that vessel today, Grandma.  The vessel carrying messages I know he would be speaking to you if he could.

If he could, he would tell you...

-You are love personified.  You believe all things, bear all things, hope all things, and endure all things.  Thank you for never giving up on me.

-You are an excellent wife and are far more precious than jewels.

-You do me good and not harm all the days of my life.  Even to the very end, you serve me the same.

-You love me like Jesus.  I can't really give you much in return, but you shower me with His unconditional love anyway.  

-May your name be praised in the city gates!  Your children and all who know you rise up and call you blessed my dear.

- Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.

-Your love for Jesus bubbles over to everyone who sees you.  Although I haven't been able to live at our own home for quite a while, just look at how many nursing staff you have been able to influence since I've been here!

-Thank you for all the pictures you post in my bedroom.  I love listening to you talk about our family.

-I love when you sing to me.  Even though my mouth doesn't seem to let you hear it, I'm singing in my heart with you every time.

-Your love never fails, it never gives up, and never runs out on me.  There are not enough words in the world to express my gratitude.

-You have taught others how to love by letting them watch you serve.

-I'm sorry if your heart is tired and weary, but know that He renews your strength and has developed such endurance, character, and hope in your heart through this.  

-Remember that this life is temporary.  Cling to your hope that He makes everything beautiful in His time.

-I love you, Elisa.